


Crescendo

by The_Trashiest_Bisexual



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Dark, Definitely some triggers in there, Depression, Did I mention eventual happy ending, Drug Use, Edgy teenagers because why the fuck not, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, High School, High School AU, I tried to tag them but be warned yo, It's not all sad, Just a portion of it ;), M/M, Mental Illness, Non-Explicit Sex, OCD, Swearing, The Longest Fucking Thing I Ever Wrote, Timeline, Toxicity, Underage Drinking, dark humour, oh yeah trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:15:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22210018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Trashiest_Bisexual/pseuds/The_Trashiest_Bisexual
Summary: It had started with a scam gone wrong.Double D had been caught in the middle of it - of course - because somehow, these things were unequivocally his fault. He hadn’t been aware of it at first, not really. It was lunchtime and suddenly he’d been caught by Kevin; a strong hand gripping the front of his shirt and the other curled in a fist, threatening to hit him if he didn't explain himselfright then and there"Wait a moment - please!""Then tell me," Kevin gritted out, eyes burning with a fury promising a fate much worse than death, "Why thehellyourstupidmachine was punching holes inevery single footballour team has because I wouldn't cough upfive dollars."It starts when they are fourteen, after Edd is roped into helping out with a scam that goes wrong. It then follows Edd and Kevin in the years that lead on, showing the ways that their relationship grows and changes as times goes on.This fic sorta goes for the vibe of dark comedy. It does have an eventual happy ending as well :)
Relationships: Edd "Double D"/Kevin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	Crescendo

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Just really quick, as mentioned in the tags, there are some things which may be triggering for people. I tried to tag everything I could think of, but I apologise if anything was missed.
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom (and yeah probably a weird thing to write about), so hopefully you enjoy it!

It had started with a scam gone wrong.

Double D had been caught in the middle of it - of course - because somehow, these things were unequivocally his fault. He hadn’t been aware of it at first, not really. It was lunchtime and he’d been excited to go to the library to study, but then suddenly he’d been caught by Kevin; a strong hand gripping the front of his shirt and the other curled in a fist, threatening to hit him if he didn't explain himself _right then and there_.

Begging wasn't going to work, neither was lying - or any other attempt to weasel out of things for that matter. These weren’t his preferred tactics anyway, not when he could just tell the truth instead. "Wait a moment - please!" He’d curled in on himself as much as possible, arms shielding his face and eyes scrunched shut, bracing for the worst.

"Then tell me," Kevin gritted out, eyes burning with a fury promising a fate much worse than death, "Why the **hell** your _stupid_ machine was punching holes in _every single football_ our team has because I wouldn't cough up _**five dollars.**_ "

"It was intended to collect rubbish!" Edd squeaked out, flinching even further. The first punch was coming, he could just feel it.

".... Huh?" Kevin looked completely confused - definitely still angry, but confused nonetheless, "What do you mean it was gonna-"

"I had genuinely believed Eddy when he relayed to me his idea for a contraption to tidy up the school," He would have apologised for interrupting, had Kevin not looked more curious than annoyed about it, "A-and so I constructed the device." He shook his head regretfully, "I should have known he had ulterior motives when he'd insisted I put spikes on it..."

Kevin's grip loosened and he lowered his fist; not completely, but enough to show he was at least considering hearing things out. "You really didn't know?" He cocked his head to the side, conflicted and voice sceptical, but even _he_ knew Edd to be anything but a liar, despite the reputation of the shorter boy he followed.

"Yes." Edd confirmed, incredibly nervous about potentially being pummeled, but earnest nonetheless, "And I give my deepest condolences for my contribution to this predicament, albeit unintentional."

There was a frustrated sigh, but then he was released all the same. "Man,” Kevin took a respectable step back, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets, “I really don't know why you're still friends with those guys."

That had taken Edd by surprise. ".. Pardon?" He asked, it apparently being his turn to be confused.

The other boy scratched the side of his face, looking nowhere in particular, "Yeah dude- I mean, I guess Ed's okay, as much of a moron as he is. But Eddy? For real?” There was no hint of falsity or joking in his expression as he spoke, “Why do you hang around that dweeb?"

For once, Double D looked at a loss for words. Sure, his friends weren’t the most… socially acceptable people, nor did they seem to have much of a grasp for why that was, or how their actions caused them to be outcasts. However, none of that changed the fact that they were his friends and it didn’t erase all the good memories they had together, even if Eddy was blind-sighted at the best of times and downright greedy at the worst. Eventually, he settled on, "He's... my friend, despite his shortcomings.” It was the truth, “I cannot truly imagine that ever changing."

That answer seemed too simple - not thought-out enough for someone as intelligent as Double D. It was a little baffling to Kevin, for someone to essentially be a child (now teen) genius, get straight ‘A’s in all of his classes and yet still associate himself with people who were so stupid. They were older now, and Edd could certainly find himself better company than Eddy. "Maybe you should think about it." Kevin said off-handedly, continuing to stare off into the distance somewhere. There was a beat in which all was still, and then, "Hey." He clapped a firm hand on Edd's shoulder, grin dazzling and eyes gleaming with mischief, "Wanna help me get payback?"

That took a few seconds for Edd to process. Once it had, he looked downright incredulous. " _Excuse me?_ "

* * *

The next day at lunchtime, Eddy was being chased around the school’s oval by the same machine he’d pressured his friend into building. Loud shrieks of fear could be heard from halfway across the school, and even more students than that were standing around, laughing hysterically at him.

“Help- someone!” He was panting, horribly out of breath and too afraid to even focus on the utter embarrassment that would surely settle in after it was all over, “HELP! _PLEASE!_ ”

Everyone continued to laugh and point and shout names at him, because _this_ had been a long-time coming, along with every other payback he’d ever endured at the hands of his classmates. They were _fourteen_ already, for God’s sake, surely he was too old to be pulling those lame scams. His entire damn year level were more than over his childishness, but none more so than Kevin, who’d been dealing with it for years.

Well, him, and maybe one other person.

Kevin himself was one of the spectators, laughing his ass off as the most obnoxious kid in the year level was getting some sort of justice for all the drama he caused everyone in his lame attempts to make a quick buck. Only this time, it wasn’t just Kevin’s handiwork that had gone into the spectacle. No, his idea of revenge was usually pummeling the person he was angry at to a bloody pulp to teach them a lesson. In fact, the culprit of this punishment had been a bit of a surprise to everyone. He was clear as day though, holding the remote control for the trash-collector turned football-puncture turned payback, laughing along and still hiding his gap tooth with one hand - the same as he’d done as a child.

Eddy had never looked more simultaneously scared and furious. “DOUBLE GEEK!” He yelled, trying to look intimidating despite his entire short-self being hunted down by a newly refurbished death machine, “TURN OFF THIS PIECE OF JUNK -” He had to stop speaking to catch his breath, else he’d pass out from the marathon of running he’d already done, “ **RIGHT NOW** OR _SO HELP ME!_ ” When he was only provided with more laughter from the crowd, he shouted again, furious, “ _I’M GOING TO **CRUSH YOU** WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!_”

That was enough for Edd. They’d had their fun - made Eddy look like a complete fool in front of more than half the school body, and made him run more in one day than he had in the last decade. Double D switched off the machine, somewhere between the hints of remorse and edges of fear creeping in at the threats his friend had thrown his way. It was enough, clearly, and the minute the device powered down, the crowd dispersed in disappointment - leaving behind a clearly exhausted Eddy, a slightly-more-than-amused Kevin, and himself.

As soon as it processed in Eddy’s head that the machine had stopped, he immediately fell to the ground; desperately gasping for air to rejuvenate his burning lungs. Double D had opted to stick around and make sure his friend was okay, and by proxy Kevin also stayed back. As part of convincing Edd to help him get revenge on Eddy, Kevin had agreed to act as his ‘muscle’ backup, in case Eddy actually tried to beat up Double D - and again, _why the hell were they still friends?_

A minute or so went by of raspy, desperate breaths for air and subsequent coughing. Finally, Eddy got to his feet, hands resting on his knees for a few more moments before glaring daggers at the pair who remained - or more specifically, his _friend_ who had just betrayed him. “ _How could you?_ ” He spat venomously, rising to his full height of five-foot short and storming over to the nerdy boy in the red shirt. He had a fist ready, picking up speed until he was almost sprinting “ _HOW COULD YOU!_ ” He practically screeched, and within seconds he was hurtling his fist at the only slightly taller Edd.

To Eddy’s shock, a strong, calloused hand caught the punch, and Kevin’s equally cold eyes were staring into Eddy’s daringly. The shorter teen stumble back, sputtering over his words “Wh- What?! You’re siding with _him_ now?!” He would have been seeing red, had it not been for the awful, glaring fact that _kevin was stronger than him_ and could have easily overpower him in any sort of physical altercation.

“Yeah. He is.” Kevin’s jaw was locked in place, angry. “We’re all getting sick of your shit. Serves you fucking right _dweeb_.”

“You’re _still_ using that lame insult?” He laughed bitterly, but was far too exhausted to try and start a fight he couldn’t win, so instead came begrudging resignation, “Fine. Whatever. You hang out with that stupid jock. _Traitor_.” His gaze was an icy rage, full of betrayal and hatred, “Maybe you’re _boyfriend_ will keep protecting you. You’re gonna need it. **Nerd**.” He physically spat on the ground before he turned around and walked away.

Edd didn’t have a clue what to make of the remark at the time, but he had been pretty certain he’d just lost a friend.

* * *

It was a few days later when Edd had found himself outside of Kevin’s house. He’d planned to knock on the front door and pass on a simple ‘thank you’ for sticking up for him in the previous week, but the garage roller door had been up, and he’d found Kevin working on his bike (bicycle, not motorbike - he had to wait another two years for that) in the cover. That had been somewhat of a pleasant surprise; removing the anxiety of having to ask for Kevin personally had a parent answered the door. So instead he’d wandered into the garage, waiting briefly before clearing his throat to get Kevin’s attention.

The taller boy turned around at that, putting down the wrench he’d been using to tighten the chain to see who was there. Upon seeing Edd, a casual smile found its way on his face “Hey.” He called.

“Greetings.” Double D replied, “I um, decided to stop by to formally pass on my gratitude for defending me recently. So… thank you.” He grinned back - a little nervous, but sincerely grateful all the same.

“Don’t sweat it, dude.” Kevin answered, “Eddy was being a dick anyway. You were a real life-saver with that plan. _Hilarious_.”

“Oh, uhm,” Edd looked the slightest bit flustered, not particularly used to receiving a compliment from anyone beside a teacher, “I-it was no trouble, I assure you. However I do concern for the longevity of our companionship after my betrayal-”

“Betrayal?” Kevin made a face at that, “What are you on about?”

“W-well, you see, Eddy has informed me that he had ‘never experienced such a severe betrayal of loyalty’, and so the future of our friendship is… not concrete.”

Kevin almost snorted at that, “Forget him then. You don’t need friends like him anyway, if you can even call it that.” He turned back to his bike then, picking up the wrench and continuing to adjust the chain.

Edd stood there for a minute, awkward. He was unsure whether he should stay or go, but their conversation was not over - at least, not on his end. He opted to crouch down next to Kevin, inspecting the bike as he spoke, “What you’re expressing, unfortunately, exposes a problem.”

“What do ya mean?”

A brief moment of silence went by, in which Edd desperately thought of what to say - or rather, if it was something he _should_ say. The lull in conversation felt tense, and eventually the pull to continue speaking outweighed his apprehension to reveal the truth, “I am afraid that in potentially losing my friendship with Eddy, I may, too, be stripped of my friendship with Ed.”

More quiet followed. Kevin appeared to be considering something, but whether he was actually thinking or too focused on his work, Edd was not quite sure. A few seconds of silence followed before Kevin responded, “I doubt it.” He sounded nonchalant, “He’s a complete moron, but he ain’t a jerk too.” He took a moment before continuing, “Besides, you still have other friends.”

That sparked some disbelief, and Edd found himself giggling at the absurdity of the statement. “And who do you suppose they would be?” He asked, somewhere between amused and saddened, “I’m not exactly… popular, as you may put it.”

“There’s Nazz,” Kevin didn’t miss a beat, “and Rolf, and Johnny... that Kanker sister still seems into ya-” Edd actually did laugh at that one. Then: “and me.”

There was an astonished blink, and Edd felt his face flush the slightest shade of pink at the sentimentality of it. “Y-you consider me a friend?”

“Yeah.” There was no hesitation, “I may have been a jerk to ya in the past but, come on, you were _really_ roped into Eddy’s antics for a while there.”

“... Fair.”

“But, yeah, man.” Kevin scratched at the hair just under his baseball cap, “You’re alright, for a dork.” The insult held no malice, and there was the hint of a smile present. Edd found himself smiling back. “Worst case, dude, I’ve got your back. Alright?”

The hint of warmed grin tugged at Edd’s lips as he processed those words. “That is quite touching to know.” He stated, “Thank you, Kevin.”  
“Whatever.” He shrugged, and then immediately changed the subject. “Hey, you think you could help me get this dent out?” He pointed to the metal framing at the back half of the bike, “I know you’re good with this type of stuff, so thought you might have some ideas.”

The prospect only broadened the grin that was finding its way onto Edd’s face, “I’d be delighted to.”

* * *

There were exchanges such as those which continued on, where Kevin would invite Double D to his place to work on his bike for a few hours - brainstorming ideas to make it look and ride _even better_ , despite the fact you can only do so much with a mechanical bicycle before putting an engine on it (again, two more years before that). He then started inviting Edd to sit with his friends at lunchtime. Surprisingly, Kevin managed to make him feel comfortable and included with the _popular kids_ ; something Edd had never thought possible. The two of them, even more astonishingly, also seemed to have a lot more in common than they’d both initially thought. Besides an interest in mechanics, the two also really enjoyed science. They both had an interest in animals (Edd’s more technical than emotional, but an interest nonetheless), and they both loved video games. The more they spoke at school and in Kevin’s garage, the more they found themselves talking to each other for hours and hours and hours, until either the bell for class went or it was late enough that the street lights had turned off outside, and then they were both waiting for the next time they could hang out.

It was strange, especially for Edd, to find himself so comfortably close to _Kevin_ of all people; to find a reliable friend and kindred spirit of sorts in the other boy. There was also a relief to be had in finally being able to have an intellectual conversation with another person, even if Kevin’s intelligence was still well-below his own. Their topics of conversation were well and truly a step above _money_ and _suckers_ and _aliens sucking out human brains_ , and that was certainly refreshing within itself. Edd had also found himself building friendships with some of the other ‘popular kids’ who, strangely, had little to no qualms about a _nerd_ joining their group. They seemed relatively accepting of his presence - with the general idea that as long as he wasn’t obnoxious like _some people_ (Eddy) and was happy to help out with some homework every now and again, that he was more than welcome to be apart of their group. He’d even grown closer to Nazz - the girl everyone in the neighbourhood had been crushing over for years, and who was the head cheerleader because _of course_ she was. Nazz always so nice too, and seemed just happy to talk to anyone. Edd truly found it a wonder how he could have ever thought for a second that her and Kevin could have ever disliked him personally, not when it was so clear to him that they (especially Kevin) only really had issues with Eddy. It felt to be some sort of huge relief to realise that he wasn’t hated, or at the very least, that he wasn’t hated by as many people as he’d thought.

For once, it truly felt like there was some sort of light in the hellhole that was school, outside of academics.

* * *

Edd and Kevin had been good friends for around a month when Edd received a message from an unknown sender.

 **UNKNOWN SENDER, 7:01pm** :  
_“Hey, this Double D?”_

It had read harmless, but he was still terribly curious about who was messaging him so late on a Friday night. Usually he would discard of any suspicious messages instantly, but the person had used his nickname. This didn’t exactly narrowing anything down, but not just _anyone_ would have sent him that. It had to be someone he’d talked to at least more than once.

**EDD, 7:02pm:**  
_“Affirmative. To whom may I be conversing?”_

The response was instantaneous.

**UNKNOWN SENDER, 7:02pm:**  
_“Oh shit it really is you yeah. Noone else talks like THAT much of a geek. Sup man”_

**UNKNOWN SENDER, 7:02pm:**  
_“It’s kevin btw, nazz gave me yo number.”_

Oh. So that’s who it was. Edd was immensely relieved it wasn’t some stranger.

**EDD, 7:03pm:**  
_“I see. I am curious as to why you didn’t just inquire me of my mobile phone number. I would have been more than happy to provide it to you, had you requested.”_

**KEVIN, 7:03pm:**  
_“Yea wouldve figured but didnt think to ask you last time we were hanging out. I just ended up asking nazz later on when i remembered”_

**EDD, 7:03pm:**  
_“I suppose I can understand that. I will be sure to save your phone number into my contacts so I am certain who is contacting me in future.”_

**KEVIN, 7:04pm:**  
_“Sounds good man”_

**KEVIN, 7:04pm:**  
_“You busy tomorrow?”_

This question caught Edd a little off-guard.

**EDD, 7:04pm:**  
_“I don’t believe so, no. Why do you ask?”_

**KEVIN, 7:04pm:**  
_“Wanna come over? We can play halo”_

_Edd suppressed a smirk at that, despite them talking over message._

**EDD, 7:05pm:**  
_“You are aware my primary interest in that game is to build, correct?”_

**KEVIN, 7:05pm:**  
_“Yea ik, feel free to nerd out on a map idc. Itll prolly be real good anyway”_

**EDD, 7:05pm:**  
_“That does sound rather enjoyable. I am available tomorrow.”_

**KEVIN, 7:05pm:**  
_“Awesome, Ill text you when you can come over”_

Edd felt an odd warmth at that. This was the first time Kevin had asked him to come over that hadn’t been related to his bike or school. He was really starting to feel like he had a friend, and bit by bit, it was making the loss of Eddy (and sadly, Ed who was still loyal to Eddy) just a little more bearable.

**EDD, 7:06pm:**  
_“That sounds excellent. I shall see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Kevin.”_

**KEVIN, 7:06pm:**  
_“Cool, goodnight”_

* * *

Video game hangouts and movie/TV show marathons became a more regular occurrence, and soon enough sleep overs was thrown into the mix. Then there was going to the cinemas, arcades, candy stores, and as more and more time went on, the two found themselves to be best friends. Rarely was one seen without the other, even within their not-so-little group. It started to feel as though there was _the group_ and then there was _Kevin and Edd_ \- something which even Nazz had noticed, quite sourly at that, as the title of ‘best friend’ used to be hers and had been for years prior. She never spoke of it though - just watched as the natural progression of time caused a change in the dynamic for all of them, and by that point things were already so drastically different that there was no way to go back. It was just how things went sometimes, and no amount of pestering would have changed that.

* * *

It was around a year and a half later when Kevin first roped Edd into breaking the law.

They were only a few months shy of sixteen (so close to that motorized dream), and Edd had received an A minus in his advanced mathematics class. Of course, most people would happily take that grade, but not Edd - not unless it was truly deserved, and he had _aced_ that test, but no amount of disputing with his douchebag of a teacher had changed that. He had been understandably bummed out, and in an attempt to cheer him up, Kevin had recommended some old-fashioned revenge - like the good old days, when they were first becoming friends. Despite his initial worries, Edd had been wont to agree. After all, how bad could it be?

Very, _very_ bad apparently - or at least, that’s what Edd was thinking when the two of them stood outside his teacher’s house at 1:00am with three full cartons of eggs between the two of them.

 _“Kevin!_ ” He hissed, - only just loud enough to still be a scold despite him whispering, “ _I most certainly am not hurtling eggs at a **teacher’s house!**_ ”

Kevin hit him with a smile - that same dazzling, daring smile he always gave - and _god_ if Edd could admit what that smile did to him. “It’ll be fine, D. Trust. Just follow my lead.” He then proceeded to open one of the cartons and pull out an egg, readying for a throw.

Edd’s eyes went wide at saucers, “Kevin, wait-- No!” It was too late. The taller ten had already thrown the egg full force at their teacher’s house, splattering it all over the brick exterior. Kevin began to laugh hysterically-- silent, due to the circumstances, but full-force all the same, and Edd looked like he was about to blow a fuze.

“Now _what_ did you do _that_ for?!” He dropped the fancy words - something no one had thought him capable of. He was too distraught at the whole situation to even notice that he hadn’t spoken like a walking thesaurus.

He received a shrug in response, and Kevin still had that content smirk plastered on his face. “‘Cause it’s fun?” He answered, almost sarcastic, “Come on, dude. It’ll be great.”

There was about five full seconds of hesitation before Edd finally decided _Fuck it, the damage is already done_ , picked up an egg, and threw it across the front yard. He initially flinched, shutting his eyes and bracing himself for a scolding, for punishment - for _something_ , but all that reached his ears was a faint yet unmistakable _**splat!**_

He opened his eyes, staring in utter awe at the egg slowly dripping down another section of the house bricks. He’d done that. _He’d done that_. He’d never thought he could do something so _deviant_. Still, that teacher had given him an undeserved ‘A minus’, and such an injustice was truly unforgivable.

“Hey, you did it, Double D!”

Wide eyes snapped over to Kevin, who was looking down at him all proud and overjoyed and _fuck what he wouldn’t do to see that expression all the time_. Edd glanced back to the house, and then to Kevin, shocked. “I - I did do that, didn't I?” He picked up another egg and threw it. And then another. And another. And another, until he was halfway through the second carton and anything that wasn’t a faint whistling noise followed by a firm, familiar _**'**_ ** _splat!_** '' was suddenly unnecessary because this was what he’d been missing - this was _everything_ \-- and _how was he realising this sixteen years into his life?_ He reached into the carton again to pull out another egg, only to find - shockingly - they were all empty. Had he really just thrown thirty-five eggs at his teacher’s house? Holy shit.

Kevin had been silently chucking to himself to the whole time, losing it. “Sh-shit Double D!” He wheezed out between laughter, “Didn’t th-think ya had i-it in ya!”

Edd was utterly stunned because _yes, apparently he **did** have that in him_ and somehow he was coming to accept that he had never felt so alive. “Kevin,” The name felt so warm and tingly in his mouth, “We _have_ to do that again.”

The other teen looked so damn proud, “ _For real?!_ Fuck yeah we are!”

Suddenly, they heard the sound of the front door swinging open, and, “ **HEY!** ” A loud, painfully familiar voice bellowed, “ **WHO’S OUT THERE?!** ”

The two boys stared at each other with a deer-caught-in-headlights expression. Shockingly, Edd was the first one to move. He grabbed onto Kevin’s wrist, giving the boy a decisive, slightly fearful look, and then suddenly it was as if that moment of stillness was gone. Edd was fully _sprinting_ \- jumping over cars, ducking under gates, dodging through alleyways and _climbing roof_ s - all in some hectic, almost epically choreographed set of moves to evade their pissed off teacher. Within mere minutes they had done just that, Edd still gripping Kevin’s wrist the entire time.

They stopped to catch their breaths, a complete moment of surrealism between them. Kevin was the first to speak, astonished and amazed beyond belief, “Edd - what- what the fuck- was _that?!_ ”

Edd was also working to level his breathing, and yes, asking himself that very same question. He seemed calmer about it though, almost at peace with the idea that somehow he had held that in him this whole time, “I - I cannot- say, Kevin.” He pondered this for another brief moment, “I feel I- I feel I cannot explain- what that was. However, I do think- I would want to- do that again.”

Through hefty gasps for air, Kevin snorted, “Well, yeah. That’s a given.” He looked into the distant night, wondering if it’d be safe to leave then. “We’re _definitely_ doing this again- now that I know you’re- secretly some master- escape artist.”

The thought that this was going to be an _again_ sent the best type of shiver down Edd’s spine, and an elated grin found its way on his face. “I certainly anticipate it.”

* * *

Those sneaky little, almost harmless acts of vandalism became a more regular thing. Not too common - around once or twice a month when they found the time, the opportunity and the _victim_. Usually it was a teacher that had pissed one of them off, but then it became students too, and then soon enough, at least on Edd’s side, it became _any_ reason he’d find to egg someone’s house. News reports about this frequent trend of vandalism had even started to emerge - yet no one was able to catch them on film, and even less so with their bare eyes.

It was Edd that had taken things to the next level. The two had been preparing to get revenge on one of the emo kids that had called them “normie wannabies” (and really? Wasn’t there something worse they could be getting revenge for? Kevin certainly felt it was trivial, but then he had seen the rage in Edd’s eyes and suddenly any thoughts of calling him out on it had dissipated). Only this time, when Kevin had offered to buy the eggs, Edd had stopped him, a hand on his chest and bright grey eyes looking into his own, and said, “Wait, I have something else planned for tonight.”

To say Kevin was equal parts curious and excited would have been a fair statement.

Nightfall came around, and they met outside of Yvonne’s house as promise. Yvonne was nothing special really, just some girl who dyed her hair black and rainbow, was obsessed with every dark colour and wanted to show the world that fact. She was also bitter, and angry, and _sad_ all the time - and why the hell did emo kids always have to be so edgy? Even if Kevin thought her insult was mild at worst, he sort of understood Edd’s desire to get her to lighten up. She could definitely use a practical joke.

“So,” Kevin whispered, “What’s this ‘brilliant plan’ of yours?”

Edd greeted him with the biggest shit-eating grin that, weirdly enough, didn’t quite meet his eyes. Strange. He shuffled his messenger bag into his grip, opened the zip and rummaged through it until he pulled out five full cans of black spray paint. He then looked back up at Kevin gleefully, and for the first time in the two years they’d been friends, the taller boy felt he couldn’t quite recognise him. “ _This_ is my plan.” Edd whispered back, a terribly mischievous glint in his eye.

“Whoa, _what?!_ ” Kevin sound utterly incredulous, “Just hold on a minute.” He grabbed Double D’s wrist - and how did he always manage to feel so warm? “We’re not gonna _graffiti her fucking house_.”

“And why not?” Edd looked back at him, daring. Wild. Most certainly not the nerd who was scared of getting anything less than an A in his classes.

“Because it’s _illegal?_ ” Kevin hissed back, pulling Edd closer. He would whisper the point in his ear if it meant it’d just get to that _genius_ brain faster. “Egging houses was fun and all, but _spray paint?_ That’s crossing a line, dude.”

“Pfft.” Edd shook the grip off of his arm and moved away, glad the streets were too dimly lit to show the pink flush on his face, “Really now, _Kevin_ , are you honestly going to stand there and hope to convince me that you’ve never considered public service before?”

Kevin blinked at this, hopelessly confused, “Huh?”

“It’s _art_ , Kevin.” Did Edd just roll his eyes at him? “We both know how much emos like Yvonne _love_ the arts. Consider it a public service to her, _free of charge_.”

Kevin looked sceptical. Really sceptical. “Edd-”

“I am going through with this.” Edd threw one of the spray cans in the air and caught it, for added emphasis, “So if you really feel _uncomfortable_ , then I suggest you be on your way.” He shrugged past the taller teen - shoving him with his shoulder in a way no one else dared lest they get beaten to a pulp, and walked over to the side of the small, single-storey home. Kevin was hesitant to follow. This was wrong, clearly - but Edd was his best friend, and beyond that, Kevin cared for the teen a lot more than he cared to admit. He couldn’t just let him take the fall on his own.

With a long, hard sigh, he wandered over to him.

Sure enough, Edd had already thoroughly shaken one of the cans and was beginning to spray the outside of the home. “I see you have decided to join me.” He commented idly, and without stopping for even a second, he managed to grab a second spray can and toss it in Kevin’s general direction. The taller boy caught it, and then began to stare at the wall wearily. _What was he supposed to do now? Write something?_

“Just graffiti ‘emo’ on the wall. It is _not_ difficult, Kevin.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He grumbled, shaking up the can, “Did you already open these things?”

“Yes. I wanted to make the task more simple when we arrived here.”

“Right.” He took the lid off, “Cool.” It most certainly was _not_ cool, but he didn’t feel like arguing that. Instead, he wrote ‘emo’ on the wall, as instructed.

After the first ten minutes, Kevin very quickly found himself running out of ideas, but Edd just kept _going_. He kept spraying and spraying and spraying until the entire left side of Yvonne’s house looked more like a shadow than a wall. He wrote ‘emo’, and he also wrote a bunch of other words that both were and were not decipherable - and _hadn’t Edd always had neat handwriting? What was up with this chicken-scratch attempt at graffiti?_

The worst of it was after an hour of this, when Kevin realised exactly what Edd was doing. The boy was making a damn mosaic of words, tiling them together until all the smaller, less significant marks came together to spell a massive ‘EMO TRASH’ that took up over half the side of the fucking house. It was around this point that the back porch light switched on.

“What the shit do you kids think you’re _doing?!_ ”

It was too dark for the older man to see them. They were just shadowy figures and nothing more from where they stood in the darkness, hidden from any sort of light. “ _Shit_.” Kevin whispered, because yes there had been close calls before, but never someone standing less than fifteen metres away from them. This was bad. Very, very bad.

As usual, there was no time to dwell on this. Edd managed to shove all five spray cans back into his bag in one clean movement, and then did what was becoming the age-old routine of grabbing Kevin’s arm and bolting from the property. He hauled the both of them over the neighbouring fence, ignoring the infuriated “ _ **HEY!**_ ” They received in response, and kept running. They kept running and running and running; Edd doing his usual evasive maneuvers - and _seriously, where the hell had he learned all of that?_

A good ten or so minutes went by before he finally slowed down, only this time, his lungs weren’t burning since he was getting used to all the parkour that was beginning to become a regular thing.

“Edd.” Kevin was glaring daggers at him, breathing heavy from exertion (lungs not burning, but he still felt a little burned out). When Edd gave a cocky smirk in response, the anger only built. “ _ **Edd**_.” He backed the smaller teen up against the wall of the alleyway they were in; hands gripping his scrawny upper arms to just _keep him there_.

Had it been anyone else, Edd would have wrinkled his nose at being able to smell someone else’s breath, but this was _Kevin_ , and _fuck_ he was _too close too close too close_ \--

“ _This has to stop_.” Kevin gritted through his teeth. They were both breathing heavy, but it started to feel like it was for a different reason. Edd was gripping Kevin’s arms back, whether out of reflex from being grabbed or because he wanted Kevin closer, he didn’t know. He glared back daringly, “ _Make me_.”

O _h god Edd shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have_ \- because _god_ the look in his eyes when he did. Kevin never should have thought it was a good idea to pin him against the wall in the first place because those _hands_ gripping him and _those eyes and that smile and those lips those lips those lips_ \--

He was kissing him. _Hard_. And _fuck_ did it feel good and he couldn’t stop. He kept going and going for god knows how long - maybe an eternity, because it sure as hell felt like it. But then he was letting go, and there was shock, and Kevin couldn’t quite look him in the eye. He stared at the space between them, breath definitely heavy for a reason other than exertion. His grip on the smaller teen’s arms had loosened and slipped a little, and, “I-” He gasped for air, “I _really_ care about you.”

“Kiss me again.”

He glanced up at those words, and if Edd didn’t have the most stunned, awe-struck, dopey-in-love look in his eyes. They were shiny and so were his lips and _fuck_ now Edd was kissing him. Kevin had always thought he could handle it; being so close but never being able to touch, but now he could never imagine how he survived for so long. It was like he’d been drowning his whole life and only _now_ had he just taken his first breath of air, and if it wasn’t the most exhilarating feeling.

Then there was _Edd_ , who’d submitted himself to loneliness - to pining - to always wanting and never having, because such selfish desires were never reciprocated. Not like this. _Not like this not like this_ _not like this_. He’d felt starved of every touch he’d ever wanted but never had. Starved of comfort, and care, and love - and _was this what it felt like to be loved?_ He could cry right then and there if he weren’t so high on adrenaline and endorphins and love, or whatever else this dizzying feeling was that caused his whole body to ignite every time Kevin kissed him.

There was no going back. Ever. _Ever_.

Kevin finally, _finally_ found it in him to pull away. He stared so damn intensely into Edd’s eyes. Pleading, “You won’t let this go any further, yeah?” _This. The vandalism. Your crimes_.

Somehow, Edd knew Kevin hadn’t meant the kissing, because there was no _fucking_ way either of them could go back to drowning again. At least, not in the same way. “Yeah.” He managed between breaths, “I promise.”

* * *

Edd added lying to the list of his sins.

It was a strange day for everyone when he rocked up at school with half of his hair shaved off, and what remained of the black shoulder-length locks half-dyed blood red. It was a sight to behold - between the ‘red-and-black’ theme he had going on, and the oversized hoodie and ripped jeans that somehow overtook the sweater vests and slacks he’d been wearing for the last year or so. People couldn’t stop staring, because _what the actual **fuck** had he done_. This wasn’t the nerdy kid who cried when he got a detention, no. This was - this was some complete _edgelord_ who didn’t get the memo that Skrillex hair only worked on girls.

No one had actually said anything out loud, unless it was whispered to someone completely irrelevant, but man was there staring. The strangest part of it all, was the complete and utter apathy Edd radiated whenever anyone did look in his direction - as if nothing was out of the ordinary and he still looked _exactly the same_ as he had for the last half a decade. 

When first class had finally rolled around and he’d taken his seat (hands tucked in pockets, staring at his own desk rather than the front - _no stationary laid out - nothing_ , he hadn’t even realised that the teacher’s eyes had been boring holes into him until the man had cleared his throat. Loudly. “...Edd?”

The boy in question raised his head, expressionless. Unfeeling.

“Did you… do something with your hair?” Mr Hackett asked.

Edd shrugged, “Not sure what you’re talking about.”

And that was the end of that.

* * *

It had been a completely different story when Kevin had found out about the change. Once the lunchtime bell had rung, he’d made his way to Edd’s class and waited for him at the door, as per usual, and had almost overlooked the unfamiliar emo kid staring right at him.

“Greetings.” Still the same word - the same damn word, yet so devoid of feeling; so stoic and surreal and--

“ _Edd?_ ” He grabbed onto the boy’s shoulders, looking him over _completely_ in case this was some weird imposter, and then, “The fuck did you do to you hair?!”

He smirked - and _when the fuck did he start giving off this wild, rebel vibe? Had he been sleepwalking this whole time? Who even **was** this?_ “Why? You like it?” There were nerves there - of course of course _of course_ there were, but it was easy to hide behind a demeanour of uncaring and callous and distance, but Kevin still didn’t miss the spark of worry that flitted past grey eyes. How could he when he was always so lost in that gaze?

“I-” Kevin sputtered, actually sputtered because _what the fuck was going on_ \- “Yeah, it looks- you look...” He stopped and turned around, letting go of thin shoulders and walking off. He jerked his head, gesturing for Edd to follow. Kevin couldn’t say it. Not there. Not in the middle of the crowded hallway full of students and teachers and prying eyes. It was none of their business, because _what even were him and Edd at this point?_ They never spoke about it - never defined it. They just started kissing every time they were alone together, and sometimes more, but never enough to know if this was a permanent thing or some way to relieve stress and hormones, as if there was ever a chance they’d just kiss each other because they were horny. That was stupid.

Eventually they were outside, obstructed by one of the buildings and out of sight, and Kevin wasted no time pushing Edd up against a wall and kissing the breath from his lungs and - _this was too familiar, too painful, because you promised you promised you promised_ \- and then there was tongue involved, and it was difficult to tell where one of them ended and the other one began. And then finally, _finally_ , Kevin was able to tear himself away, breathless and a little pink in the face, and he stared at him with some sort of terribly deep, unreadable look in his eye, “You look - you look _fucking_ hot.”

Edd blushed a bright red at this, and _he **was** still capable of feeling, after all_ \- and he was grinning, “You approve, then?”

Kevin bunched what remained of black - now half-dyed red - soft hair into his hand, and used the other to cradle the side of his - boyfriend‘s(?) - face like it was the only thing that mattered. “I- yeah, I do.” And then he let go and took two steps back, needing room to breathe again, “But what the _fuck_ , man. You can’t just hit me with some surprise like that. I thought you said you were done.”

“I am unsure how my attire is relative to graffitiing a fellow student’s home, Kevin.” And _fuck_ he still talked like himself, only he didn’t he didn’t he didn’t - “But feel more than welcome to enlighten me.”

“Edd,” When did that nickname disappear? He wondered if there was ever a time when the boy had stopped being Double D and started becoming _Edd_ , and if maybe this change in appearance was just the _physicality_ of it. The notion was a little frightening if Kevin was honest with himself, “When did you… do this?”

“Last night.”

“ _Last night?_ ”

“Mhm.”

He was speechless - last night? That was a sudden, sudden change. Too drastic too quick. No in-between either, just boring, black shoulder-length hair, clearly because of a lack of haircuts rather than an intentional move on his part, and then this. And he didn’t completely fuck it up, either, which is even more of a shock. “Did you just… go somewhere, or ?”

Edd shrugged, “Just needed a change. I am the culprit of the end result, if you are curious.”

Culprit. Odd choice of words. Unsettling. “It looks good, man.” _Really good. I nearly ravished you. Shit._

If it was just a ‘change’ that Edd needed and that haircut had been enough to do the trick, then Kevin felt he couldn’t reasonably complain about it.

* * *

The question of are-they-aren’t-they that’d been circling Kevin’s mind for the last while was answered when Edd kissed him in the cafeteria during lunch the next day.

They didn’t really talk to the rest of their friends anymore. Sure, they sat with them from time to time, but the dynamic had changed from _The Group with Edd and Kevin_ , to _That Group_ , and _Edd and Kevin_. They didn’t talk to anyone anymore. Not really, anyway. Kevin still got along with most of them, but Edd refused conversation so much, and none of them understood why Kevin just went along with it. That was, of course, until that particular lunch period.

It was easy for the two of them to whisper-flirt to each other. No one really listened in, and everyone cared what they talked about less and less - because it clearly no longer involved anyone else but themselves. That day though, there had been a whispered “ _God, I wish I could kiss you right now_.” And then a cheeky, also whispered response of, “ _Why don’t you, then?_ ” From Edd.

Kevin had stared at him then. And stared. And stared and stared and stared, feeling nervous and excited and _unsure_ about if he should - because what even _were_ they? None of it was any clearer, even if whatever ‘it’ was between them was clearly _just_ between them, because dating anyone else was well and truly out of the question. He took too long to decide, and so Edd took the opportunity instead to close the gap between them and kissed him, right there in front of all their friends.

Everyone sort of went really quiet around them. Confused, connecting the dots, trying to make sense of if this was why Kevin put up with all the bullshit. Then Kevin was kissing him back, passionately, and that seemed to answer the question for everyone else. No one felt inclined to talk to them though, because _why would they?_

It certainly did explain a lot though.

* * *

  
About a week after Edd had changed his ‘style’, a sturdy, pale hand slammed his locker door closed in his face. It had been sudden; out of the blue as he’d stared listlessly into the small compartment. The swing had barely missed his face, but that hadn’t been enough to make him flinch, and surprisingly neither had the steely glare of the girl who stood with her hand firmly planted on the locker door.

“Nice hair.” She commented, tone unreadable and eyes very much the same.

“Thanks.” He almost sounded sarcastic, or he would have had he been capable of sounding anything other than dead.

“So you going for that ‘hipster emo’ look now or what?”

That struck a nerve. He wasn’t too sure why, it wasn’t as if the two of them had ever really been friends - and they especially weren’t now, but her remark irked him. It dug under his skin in some irritating way, as if she had the audacity to tell him _anything_ when his name should be dead to her lips. He gritted his teeth at the insult - Almost unnoticeable. Almost. “I’m supposing you’re still aiming for that ‘tomboyish bitch’ look.” He commented, sounding all-too-nonchalant for someone silently seething.

“Whoa.” She threw up her hands defensively, but was clearly not done, “Kitty’s got claws.” There was a smirk on her face, somewhere between mild amusement and the edge of annoyance. A part of her began to wonder why she’d thought this had been a good idea in the first place, but it was _Double D_ , and she’d be damned if she didn’t at least ask about the sudden extreme makeover of her childhood crush.

Edd had started putting the code into his locker again, not looking back at her once. It was bad enough that she’d tried some over-the-top stunt to provoke him, but now she was just sticking around. _Why?_ It wasn’t as if she had anything to gain from him when the two had barely spoken a word to each other in the last three years. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to be taking the hint to just leave, “Can I help you with something, Marie?” The words were a little biting, a little defensive under that mask of indifference he was growing accustomed to wearing, “Or are you going to try and rape me. Again.”

“ _Hey_.” That had crossed a line. Big time. She grabbed his shoulder, hard, and spun him around to face her, “I was a fucking _idiot_ , okay?” Her eyes were ablaze and her voice was _angry_ , “But that’s taking it _too far_.”

That was a bit of a revelation. He didn’t think she had it in her to admit she’d been _horrid_ as a child - because believe it or not, she used to _terrorise_ him. The moment passed, in which he stood there and stared at her, unmoving and giving away no indication of what he was feeling. “Okay.” The word was passive, and he clearly had no remorse for what he’d said to her.

It was evident that topic would be a losing argument. She sighed, frustrated, and let him go - opting to lean against the adjacent locker instead and fold her arms like some petulant child, “People have been talking about you.”

The locker door was open again and he was rummaging through his things, and _didn’t he always used to have everything so organised? Since when did he need to rummage through his belongings to find **anything?**_ “Have they?” The question sounded idle, uninterested. He was clearly unbothered by who was saying what, even though it seemed he supposedly should care.

There was a lull in dialogue for a moment. There was a thought - didn’t Double D used to be a good conversationalist? Since when did she need to put in this much effort with anyone? It felt a little pointless. Marie herself was quiet, pensive, beginning to wonder if she was just wasting her time. Regardless, she was still going to say what she’d gone there to say. “Everyone thinks you’re fucking Kevin.”

The comment hung heavy in the air for the briefest of moments. The way she had said it was so weirdly ordinary, as if it had been said during casual lunch with a friend, in between asking about the weather and discussing the rest of the day’s plans. The whole thing was horribly unfitting and almost jarring, yet neither commented on that. Oddly enough, Edd smirked at this, and even suppressed the hint of laughter, “I’m sensing some jealousy, Marie.”

“So it’s true then.”

“I could say the same to you.” That didn’t make too much sense out loud, but his quips were still quick and biting at times and so certainly _not him_ \-- and _what even **was this?**_ He grabbed a book and a pen out - just one of each, not a collection - and slammed the locker door closed, “But realistically, I’m not ‘saying’ anything. Take what you will of my words.” He was as nonchalant as ever, twisting on his heel to walk off from her.

“What happened to you, Double D?”

He stopped, not quite turning around, “I don’t know what you’re-”

“Cut the bullshit.” She snapped, her words reverberating through the halls in an unsettling way. She marched the three or so steps over to him and yanked his arm - whipping him around to face her once more. She looked complete unimpressed and _over it_ , “The goth look works for some people, but it’s _not_ a good look on you.”

He blinked at her, faux innocence and all - still holding onto this idea that it was all a big joke and not taking her seriously. That being said, there was no real reason to take her words to heart anyway, not when she was claiming to be knowledgeable on something she obviously knew nothing about. “I would advise you of the same,” He quipped back, unfazed by all of it, “but it seems you have been going for that _exact_ dress sense the last decade.”

“ _Edd_ -”

“It’s Double D.” His tone was harsh, prickly - as if she was somehow daring to call him something only Kevin ever did, “And if you’re sole purpose in conversing with me was to ‘warn’ me that people are discussing ponderings of my personal life, then thank you. Your message has been received, and it has been filed as _irrelevant._ ”

“ _God_ , were you _always_ this much of an ass?!”

“I haven’t changed.”

“Yes, you have.” She held a seriousness in expression he had never seen from her, but maybe that’s because they were never actually friends and he’d never had a reason to care, “And it’s for the worst.” She continued to hold his stare; holding it and holding it and holding it until he couldn’t take the intensity of it anymore and stared off into some classroom to the side of him. It did little to hide the pain that flashed through his own eyes.

“I’ve always been this way.” He said quietly, and when he turned around to leave, it was for good. Marie didn’t stop him. There was an odd sense of honesty to what he’d said that she couldn’t shake - that somehow he had actually managed to tell her the truth for the first time during that entire conversation.

* * *

“I think Double D’s hurting.”

Those had been sudden and very completely unexpected as Kevin had left class, let alone the fact that it had come from Marie of all people.

English had just finished for Kevin, and he had exited the room to be greeted by those abrupt, confronting words. He’d turned to see Marie leaning against a row of lockers mere metres from the door, clearly waiting for him to emerge so she could announce herself to him. He moved the few steps closer to her, removing himself from the stream of students so he could address her properly, even if it’d only be for less than a minute before he ditched the psycho that had helped make his boyfriend’s (and he’d say that now) childhood a living hell. “Why do _you_ suddenly care about Edd?” And oh, if that didn’t click in her head that he said _Edd_ and not _Double D_ , “It’s not like you ever gave a shit about him before.”

She rolled her eyes at the comment, tapping her chipped black nails against her forearm, “Of course you’d be as much of a dick as he is now. We all know you two are screwing each other, so maybe some of his _terrible_ rubbed off on you.”

His eyes darkened the instant those words left her mouth. He cleaned closed, absolutely promising death if she dared insult him again, “You better watch what you say about him if you still wanna walk.”

The threat was returned with a pointed glare, and Marie was absolutely _not_ backing down, “ _Look_ , man. I don’t give a fuck about _any_ of that.” Her gaze softened slightly, but not enough to indicate any sort of fondness to the _stupid jock_ breathing the same air as her, “I’m just worried, believe it or not.” She straightened herself up so she was no longer leaning against the lockers, maintaining eye contact the entire time almost as if to drive her point home. “And I’m telling you,” She continued purposefully, “he’s hurting about something. He wouldn’t tell me what, but you should _really_ keep an eye on that.”

Marie was the one to walk off that time, and Kevin was left there, wondering if there was any weight to her words at all, or if they were as empty as he was beginning to feel.

* * *

Edd didn’t stop at graffiti, and he no longer provided any sort of reason for his acts of vandalism. He started throwing rocks through windows, and puncturing tires, and setting firecrackers off in people’s yards, and he even set someone’s lawn on fire. These ‘pranks’ started going beyond just that-- beyond vandalism, and were turning into damaging properties and petty theft, and Kevin was becoming truly scared of how much worse it was going to get. He never stopped accompanying Edd on these ‘outings’, but he stopped helping him destroy properties.

It was getting out of hand - horribly so, but there was no one he could tell, no one he could talk to. Kevin’s parents had noticed the change, so much so that they stopped commenting on what a “great influence!” Edd was being on his grades and behaviour, and started making remarks about how _“they didn’t know why he spends so much time with a delinquent”_ and _“that Nazz girl was nice, why don’t you bring her around anymore?”_ He didn’t know anymore. Maybe he was too in love to fully appreciate any of the damage at all.

* * *

The first time they had sex was when Kevin stayed the night at Edd’s house.

It had happened sort of quickly, yet it had also been building up for weeks and weeks and weeks and possibly _years_ \- and suddenly their clothes were gone and all that was left was this _passion_ ; this complete and utter desire to be closer, _closer closer closer_ until there was no possible way for two people to be closer unless they were one, whole being - which is sort of what it felt like when Kevin was inside him.

And then there was this feeling - this rush of _so many feelings that couldn’t be named_ , and it just built and built and built until that one, exhilarating moment when it was all undone. Kevin had always thought he’d feel whole in the aftermath but he’d just felt hollow, but maybe that was because Edd had been crying. But Kevin had told him - he’d _told_ him they could slow it down, that they could take things slow; they could hold each other and just stop if it was too much too fast, but Edd had insisted, and now he was crying and Kevin didn’t know why or even what to do. He tried to hold him. He tried to comb his fingers through dark hair and ask if he was okay, what was wrong, what he could do to help - but Edd just shook his head, grabbed the hand sifting through his hair and interlaced their fingers. He just looked up at him, through the tears - through all of it and told him “I love you.”

That had been like a shockwave. He loved him. He _loved_ him. _He was loved_. Kevin thought maybe he could cry tears of joy at that (he didn’t, but it was the thought that counted). Then they were kissing again and there were more exchanges of _'_ _I love you'_ s over and over, and suddenly the moment felt a little less hollow, even if Kevin still wasn’t entirely convinced that Edd had been crying from happiness.

* * *

Sex became a more regular thing. It was something to feel - something real and graspable and _good_ in a world full of _bad, bad, bad_. It made him feel closer, as if he could almost touch Edd again - as if that person that he used to know ( _Double D_ , not _Edd_ ) was there, even if he really wasn’t.

It was one day, after one of those moments of pure ecstasy when Kevin had reached an epiphany in the absolute worst way imaginable.

There was a moment of still; a comfortable calm following the throes of passion and intensity. At least, that was one way to put that feeling he got when they moved together - maybe because he could convince himself it was those things even when it felt like some hollow release, regardless of other things such as titles and love. They were half-redressed by that point, not in a hurry to do anything in particular and just enjoying each other’s company before the reality of school and commitment _s_ settled in once more.

Edd was propped up on his bed, leisurely reading a book - because yes, he still had some of his old habits, while Kevin sat on the edge of the mattress, scrolling through his phone. A fair amount of time had passed where they just sat there, doing nothing in particular when a nagging thought had entered Kevin’s mind: he had homework to do. It hit suddenly, and he knew he needed to go home to do that before he forgot completely and fell behind. He told Edd he was heading out and started searching for his keys that had somehow fallen out of his pants pocket.

The other teen had just sat there, watching him search around for a few seconds, uninterested in the idea of anything existing outside of the two of them together. “Why don’t you just stay a while longer?” He asked, casual yet evidently wanting,

“Because, I don’t wanna fail my class.” The response had been instantaneous. Kevin had continued to search for his keys, eventually finding them right underneath the bed frame. Just as he went to grab them, a thought struck him, and he stopped to glance back up at his boyfriend, puzzled, “I thought you cared about classes.”

Edd shrugged, “I still get A’s.”

That sounded wrong. Yet still, his point remained that he had to go, so the logic of all of that would have to be discarded for another time, for when he actually _could_ argue why studying was important, regardless of whether or not it had always been Edd telling him such things every time prior. Still, he leaned back on his knees to address Edd properly, “Yeah, well I struggle to get _C’s_ if I don’t study. You know that.”

This earned him another shrug. Just as he was going to reach for his keys, he heard Edd roll off of his bed and open the drawer to his bedside table. Kevin began watching him curiously as he seemed to be searching for something, until he saw Edd pull out what looked way too much like a rolled up joint. He was able to conclude that _yes, it was a joint_ when the teen extended it out in offer, a relaxed smile on his face.

“Dude, are you _for real_ right now?” Kevin looked somewhere between incredulous and miffed, “Where the hell did you even _get_ that?!”

“What? I’m not the only one who does it.”

“That doesn’t make it better you _moron!_ ”

That stung. Definitely stung. Double D was never a moron. _Never. Never, neve_ r. That word was non-existent within any description of the boy, or it had been until mere months ago. He irritatingly shrugged off the insult - just as he’d been doing with friends and a social life and school and emotions and life in general - and grabbed a lighter from his jeans pocket.

“Dude, have you _seriously_ been carrying a lighter in your pocket this whole time?” Disbelief was written all over Kevin’s face, “What if it had gone off while we were having sex? I don’t want third degree burns to my dick.”

“Relax,” Edd actually scoffed at him, “That’s incredibly unlikely.” He inspected the joint in his hand for a moment before he lit it. “If you don’t want any, your loss.” He took a puff.

For a strange, lucid second, Kevin was reminded of Marie’s words all those weeks ago. _I think Double D’s hurting_. “D- Edd,” The nickname almost slipped out, but it felt wrong, _wrong wrong wrong_ to describe this person as anything other than Edd. “Are… you okay?” There was silence for a minute, and the smell of weed was already filling up the room. To someone who’d avidly avoided that shit, it smelled disgusting.

“Yes, I am okay, Kevin.” The response felt automated, robotic, “Why would you ask such an absurd question?”

Absurd. Kevin actually laughed. “For real? It’s absurd for me to ask my _boyfriend_ if he’s doing okay.”

“... If I clearly am ‘okay’, then yes. It is _absurd_.”

“Are you _actually_ okay though?”

“For god’s sake- yes!” Something seemed to snap, and a fiery rage swam in his irises. He was clearly irritated at the question - at someone for _asking if he was okay_. “You’re just as bad as Marie, but at least she didn’t use the _I’m fucking you_ card as an excuse for it.” He spat the words out with malice and absolutely no remorse, and there was the afterthought of _Not like she could, anyway_. Empowering, in the way he could know she would never have the opportunity to have him in that way.

For the first time in his life, Kevin felt as if he was staring at a complete stranger. The realisation that he didn’t recognise Edd anymore hit too fast too hard too _painful_. This was not the boy he’d fallen in love with, and it was starting to dawn on him that he hadn’t been that person in a long time. “... I’m done.” The words slipped out without him really thinking about it, as if he were on autopilot because being aware of such things would give him the chance to take it all back.

Edd chucked the lighter to the ground, blowing out smoke before answering, “What?”

“I said I’m done, Edd.” His voice came firmer this time, more grounded and more assertive. Even if his confidence disappeared after all it was over, he was going to say everything right then, if only it meant it could all be done with. He finally grabbed his keys from underneath the bed and began looking around for his shirt that had been thrown off somewhere about an hour prior.

“Done… what?” Edd still sounded puzzled, as if someone as intelligent as him couldn’t recognise a breakup right as it was happening to him.

“This.” The word felt forced, far too painful to have to say, and that certainty Kevin had felt just seconds before was fading fast, “Us. All of it. I’m _done_.” There was silence. A long silence. He just wanted to go home and wash the smell of weed off of him.

“Very well.” No emotion. _None_. “If that’s how you feel, I won’t be one to stop you, just as _I_ have no intention to stop.”

Hearing that hurt, deeply, even if it was just a confirmation of his fears: Edd had no intention to stop the spiral he was on, and Kevin couldn’t fathom why. He was angry - livid even, because _how could you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them and then give them up so easily?_ “ _So that’s it, then?_ ” His words were shaky with the suppression of rage and more rage, but if he let it out, he may punch a hole in the wall and he really didn’t want to do that. Yet it didn’t stop the urge that curled his hand into a fist, but in the end he’d rather damage the wall because he refused to ever hit the person he loved. “I’m gonna walk out that door, and you won’t be seeing me again.” His tone was low and dangerous.

All he received was another slow, revolting drag, and somehow even less emotion than before. “If that is how it must be, then I suppose this is our reality.”

He was about to snap. He could feel it. “Fine. _Cool_.” He hissed, putting his finally located shirt back on all-too-roughly, and grabbing his phone and keys. He was unable to meet the eyes of the boy that had _just let him go_ as he left.

* * *

The next few days had felt like a form of limbo. It had been some sort of horrible, terrible, _worst_ feeling that couldn’t be described beyond being _dumped_. Well - Kevin may have been the one to do the dumping, but it certainly felt like he was on the receiving end of it. He didn’t get it - still didn’t - how Edd could just let him go like that. He didn’t get how Edd chose weed and vandalism and crime and apathy over him; over them. It was like having the last two years of his life thrown right back in his face because _how dare he try to care about someone else so deeply_. It felt like a joke. A sick, sick joke.

The worst part was that he didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. There was school, a given, and sports, and then there were his parents and his motorbike (finally sixteen, finally a reality). There used to be his friends, but then he’d discarded them because Edd had thought social isolation was a _smart_ idea, and how was he only just starting to realise that Edd really wasn’t that intelligent? Maybe he used to be; maybe when he still cared about things, but all of that seemed to have just evaporated from existence.

There was the potential that Kevin’s friend would take him back, maybe if he begged them, but they had never left him. It was he who'd left them, and that was all-too-obvious when he’d sat with them at lunch after the breakup. They had been all-too-eager to ask _“Where’s your boyfriend?”_ when they could see that he sat unaccompanied for once. Kevin had been unable to do anything other than shrug because _thinking about it hurt too much_ , and then the jibes had turned into concern and suddenly all his friends were there for him. They were there as if they had never left - as if he’d never cut them off, and he wondered how the hell he ever thought he didn’t need them.

It was shit. It was so shit being without Edd, but at least there was no fear of being alone. Instead, there was just the fear of him ever loving someone as intensely again, and somehow that notion was so much worse. He was going to be fine though, or at least, that’s what they all said to him. They told him that he’d move on and find someone better, but was there ever really anyone better? No one would ever be Edd. No one would ever make him laugh the same, or make him love with the same ferocity and fire, but maybe that was just life; to know who you wanted and to realise you can’t have them without succumbing to an overwhelming mountain of grief and despair. Maybe that was what love was in the end: pain.

Edd hadn’t seemed that different, though. He sat in his classes, not paying attention and not taking down notes (and when had even _that_ changed?). He talked to no one and sat with no one now that he didn’t have ties to Kevin anymore, or even Eddy - but he hadn’t been friends with Eddy for years, so what did that last one matter? He did schoolwork during lunch to avoid everyone, and got high and wasted when he got home. It was normal. It was life, and it was more fun now that he didn’t have a partner for his crimes. It was great. Life was great. Really.

It was no more than a few days later when his teacher had asked him to stay behind after class to talk (the same one who’d first commented on his hair, he idly noted). He hadn’t assumed it’d be anything serious; he did well in his classes, and despite his recent behaviour outside of school grounds, he was still considered a star student in the eyes of his teachers. There was no reason it would be anything negative, yet he still couldn’t help the nerves that gnawed at him, because he was never asked to stay back after class.

Soon enough the room was empty and Mr. Hackett was sitting at his desk, holding a paper in his hand and his brow furrowed with concern. Fantastic. “Now, Edd.” He began, tone overly cautious as if he were dealing with a spooked animal, “In most circumstances this would be nothing of concern, but-” He slid the paper in his hand over to the teen across the table, who glanced down at it without really taking note of anything on the page. Edd wanted to hear the issue before he jumped to conclusions, something which was likely the first intelligent thought he’d had in a while. Mr. Hackett continued speaking, “but you are the top student in the year level, and so the drop in grade is a little worrying.”

_Wait a second- a drop in grade? He didn’t get an A?_

He looked down at the test paper to make sure, and lo and behold - it was a B. He got a _**B**_. That was bad. That was very bad. “I… don’t believe I understand.” Edd’s voice was somehow even more devoid of emotion than usual, “How on earth did I get..?” He couldn’t even say it. He felt like such a failure.

“Well, I was meaning to ask you the same thing.” Mr. Hackett interjected, “I was going to ask if there are any... considerations that need to be taken into account.”

“Considerations, sir?”

“Yes,” His tone was still level, managing to sound unaffected while still being compassionate, “Perhaps any issues you might be having at home, or in other areas of your life.” This was always a touchy subject to bring up, but if a student appeared to be struggling, regardless of what level there were at, it was the teacher’s responsibility to check in. Mr. Hackett always worked to abide by that, anyway, “The school always tries to support our students, so if there is anything-”

“No, sir. There’s nothing.” Edd found it in him to look at the teacher this time, eyes desperate, “But there has to be an opportunity for me to retake the test. I cannot accept a B.”

“Edd, I’m afraid there isn’t-”

“ _Please_ , sir. If there’s anything I can do to boost my grade, I’ll do it.”

Mr. Hackett sighed, apologetic, “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do. You’ll just have to do better next time.”

That was it. There was nothing he could do. Edd felt lost. So, so lost. “I see.” The words were all but whispered. He stood abruptly from the teacher’s desk, hands pressed firmly against the table beneath him. Without another word, he left the room - not looking back as he walked through the halls, through the school’s front doors and out of the campus. No one saw him for the rest of the day.

* * *

That night, Kevin received a phone call from someone he did not want to think about.

At first, he didn’t know who was ringing him, but then had glanced at the screen to see Edd’s contact - with a stupid heart next to his name and a photo of the two of them smiling together and - he let it ring out. It was too much too fast. He couldn’t answer, not yet, and maybe not for a long time after.

There was another call not even ten minutes later, and that one was sent straight to voicemail. He wasn’t going to pick up, and listening to the ringing would have been too much to bear. Even worse, was when less than a minute later he heard a _ding!_ from his phone - telling him that he’d _actually_ gotten a voicemail. He was almost angry.

“What the _fuck,_ Edd?!” He growled at no one in particular, almost as if he’d been hoping his rage would send through the phone so that Edd would leave him the hell alone. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling exhausted and conflicted about what to do. Part of him wanted to just ignore the message, but another part of him knew that seeing the notification and knowing it was there was going to be the death of him. Besides, he could just delete right after listening to it, and most certainly pretend he was distracted for the rest of the night over something else - such as thinking about why Nazz still wouldn’t talk to him even though the rest of his friends were.

Decision made, he entered the voicemail system. The automated menu played through, and he wished it would just _hurry up_ so he could hear the voice message and get it over with. Those few seconds felt like eternities before the voicemail began.

 _“Kevin-”_ It was unmistakably Edd, but he sounded different, almost - _“Kevin please-”_ His voice broke off again, hiccupping and - was he actually **crying?** _“Please answer me.”_ Another gasp for air, _“I need you. Please.”_ Sobbing. Definitely sobbing, It was incredibly painful to listen to, especially when he knew it was happening just down the street from him. _“I’m sorry I-- I’m sorry. I d-didn’t want you t-to go.”_ He broke off again, but only briefly, _“I need you here. I love you-”_ The line cut quite suddenly after that.

The whole offset of everything he’d just heard sounded so terribly _wrong_. In the entire time they’d been together, Edd had only cried _once_ , and Kevin still didn’t know what to make of that day. They’d never spoken about it, and it hadn’t happened again so there was never a reason to worry about it, but this - this was _different_. Something was horribly wrong. He had to call back. There was no way he couldn’t anymore.

He dialed back, and the line rang once, and then twice, and then - “Come on, fucking _answer_.”

The line picked up on the other end, followed by a very watery, _“Kevin?”_

“Edd.” _God_ talking to him was like getting a breath of fresh air after drowning, “Edd, what’s wrong?”

 _“Kevin, I-”_ he sobbed again, and it was so much more painful to hear it in real time, _“I’ve fucked up. Can you-- can you come over?”_

He didn’t want to. He really, _really_ didn’t want to; else he’d never be able to leave again. The first time had already been so hard, but Edd was fucking crying, and it was never good when someone was saying something ominous like _‘I’ve fucked up’_. Never. HIs brain was still trying to comprehend that one - whatever the hell it meant. Everything seemed to be going too fast for him, but all the signs pointed to _he had to go see him_. Kevin let out a long, exhausted sigh and glanced at the time on his phone. 10:48pm. It was late as hell. “Yeah. Yeah I can come over. I’ll be there soon, alright?”

He heard more gasping for air, as well as a sob drowned somewhere in the mix. Edd sounded like a mess, _“Th-thank you. I love you.”_

“Yeah.” Kevin ended the call before he made the mistake of saying it back. He couldn’t do that - not when he was still at his lowest. It’d be like adding fuel to the fire that was burning down every happiness he’d thought he’d known. He still had to make sure Edd was alright though, that much he was sure of. Kevin had given him his word, and he didn’t think he could live with the guilt if he found out something bad had happened because he’d refused to go - regardless of his reasons why.

Within seconds he was already out of his bedroom and down the stairs, tip-toeing towards the front door as quietly as possible so his parents didn’t wake. He tap-checked his pocket for his phone - _check_ \- before he was unlocking the door and walking into the cold night air. Even the sound of the lock clicking shut behind him resonated like a gun-shot, because _God forbid_ his parents realised where he was going and prevent him from seeing that _“no-good boy from down the road”_.

As he crossed the street to a house he’d been to way too many times, his own footsteps felt muted to his ears. The feeling of suspended silence was jarring, but he was already at the front door in less than a minute and no longer had time to focus on that sensation. 

The door to Edd’s house was locked, obviously, and there was no point in calling Edd to let him in. The boy had been such a mess over the phone that Kevin doubted he’d even be able to find his keys. Ironic, for the kid who was always known for having a specific place for everything, but by then too much had changed for any sense of normalcy - for any sense of the past to even remain. They were just very different people-- all of them. Kevin quickly found the well-hidden spare key, having used it too many times before to _not_ know where it was by that point.

The first thing he noticed after entering the place was that the inside was dark. _Very_ dark. It felt lifeless, much like the lone inhabitant that seemed to exist only in the upper half of the house-- _not home, there was never any love there_ \- and he couldn’t shake the horrid feeling that it was much too quiet when he knew Edd had been in tears less than a minute prior. Slowly, cautiously, he walked up the stairs, and the further he trekked up, the more he began to see the sliver of a light shining under the bathroom door. _Not good. Not fucking good_. He rounded the corner and knocked on the closed door. “Edd?” He called, anxious, before knocking once more, “You in there?”

The question was answered by a muffled sob. _Bad. Definitely bad_. Kevin immediately swung the door open - not willing to wait around another second. The instant he caught sight of Edd, he wished he had taken a moment to prepare himself for what he was seeing.

“ _Holy shit_.”

There was blood everywhere. The stench of copper and the horrid, bright red invaded his senses the instant he’d stepped foot into the bathroom. It was all over the tiles, and smeared on the walls, the sink, the benches, and it was all over Edd. “What the _fuck_ did you do?” There was panic, and fear, and hurt and anger and Kevin was already on his knees, inspecting the boy for injuries because _what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck_ \--

“I’m sorry.” Edd’s sounded weak and helpless - _so_ helpless. A blood-stained hand gripped Kevin’s bare arm with the little strength it had, and Edd smiled, broken and full of tears, “I really fucked up. I’m sorry.”

 _This wasn’t happening_. There was no possible way this was happening. Edd didn’t hurt himself, or he at least didn’t do anything this destructive. He’d been reckless and short-sighted, but never harmful. Never this. “Just, hang on a second.” Kevin was looking Edd over, trying to find the source of all the blood. There was too much in too many places. “Where are you bleeding?”

Edd looked confused, lying on the ground with some horribly strung-out look in his eyes - too calm. _Too calm_. He glanced down at his arms, but his gaze was too zoned-out to really be focused on anything at all. “My arms…” He muttered, words slurred and distant.

“ _Shit_.” Kevin hissed, inspecting both of Edd’s arms. They were covered in cuts. When - when had this - ? No time. No time for that anymore. He needed to think. “Bandages. I need - where are they?”

Edd nodded vaguely to a cabinet less than a metre away. There was no time. Everything felt like somewhere between a sped-up blur and slow-motion, but somehow he was cleaning away all the shed blood and wrapping up all the wounds so they couldn’t bleed anymore. Yet there was still the floor, and the walls, and his _clothes_. There was just too much too much too much-- Edd wasn’t responding either. The tears on his face were dry and his eyes were half-open, glassed over and _not there_.

“Edd.” Nothing. “Edd.” Kevin shook his shoulders. Nothing. Panic was beginning to settle in. _Edd wasn’t responding_. He ran a hand through his own messy red hair. “Fuck.” He his lungs burned, _it hurt it hurt it hurt_ \- He shut his eyes and breathed, breathed, breathed until he could see reality again. A pulse. He had to find a pulse. He moved to find one, but his hands shook so hard that it made it damn near impossible to try. He couldn’t find it. “ _Fuck!_ ” He shouted, and he could feel his own eyes beginning to sting, “Edd, no don’t do this to me-- _EDD!_ ” He was shaking him a lot more violently, hoping for something - anything; a fucking response. “ _Wake up, damnit!_ ” He felt the edges of tears forming and he covered his face with his hands, palms pressing painfully into his eye sockets. _Too late_. _Too late too late too late_ \--

An incredibly weak hand shifted to his leg, and never had he been so grateful for anything in his life. Grey eyes stared up at him, still so incredibly distant but very slightly more present than before. “K-Kevin..” Tears still fell from his eyes, but he looked so far gone that Kevin doubted the other teen was even aware he was still crying.

“Oh _thank fuck_.” Kevin breathed out, but then all-too-quickly his breath hitched and then he was crushing Edd in his arms so tight, as if Edd would leave him again if he let go. He barely felt the trembling hands that grasped back onto him, so focused on what little warmth Edd still had and _he was so cold for someone who was always so warm_.

For the first time in what was likely years, Kevin cried. He sobbed, so openly and fearful and desperate because _Edd had almost died_ and _how the hell was he even alive_ \- and those thoughts only made him sob harder.

If Edd could have felt anything despite the faux calm coursing through his veins, he’d have cried too from the immense guilt of causing the person he loved so much pain.

* * *

Kevin had eventually carried - literally bridal-style carried - a barely conscious Edd to his room and got him out of the blood-soaked clothes clinging to his skinny frame (and hell, he’d always been skinny but had he just stopped eating?). He made sure not to think too much about any of it as he cleaned off the blood and changed Edd’s clothes. He was fine, he was going to be fine - they both would be if he could just get him clean and get him in bed. They would be fine. They would.

He’d be damned if Edd didn’t look peaceful for once in the last few months as he slept. He looked so calm, so not hurting - and that’s what this all was, wasn’t it? He **was** hurting _._ Marie had been righ _t_. That didn’t change a damn thing though. _Edd had almost died_ and _god_ that thought would never sit right with him. He was sleeping now though - not dead, sleeping - and he looked okay. He was okay.

There was a moment of quiet as Kevin sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands and just breathed, because _holy shit_ that had been terrifying. He’d never been so scared in his life and _why - why did this have to happen?_ He looked back to the other teen - his _ex_ now, and _fuck_. Edd had been a good kid. He didn’t deserve any of it, so then why the hell was he actively dragging himself down? Kevin didn’t know. He wasn’t sure he’d ever know at that point. Maybe there was no reason. Maybe there was nothing, and maybe that idea of nothing was worse than something, because at least something was an explanation.

It was late then. Past midnight. Kevin needed to go home, but with each second he stayed there sitting on the edge of the bed, unmoving, the more he realised that he just couldn’t. He couldn’t leave, and he knew he knew _he knew_ this would happen. It was every reason why he didn’t want to answer that call, or make that walk over, or _hold_ him again. He knew he’d be sitting right back there, unable to move because that love still existed in him as strong as the day he’d realised it was there. More time passed. More seconds of sitting, trying to decide if he had it in him to go home. It was well past midnight when he realised there was no way he was leaving that night.

His own clothes were somewhat sullied with blood, but they were nowhere near as bad as the scene in the bathroom. It was all just dried smears now - something he could deal with in the later-morning. Either he’d wash the clothes with bleach or burn them-- whichever made sure he’d never see Edd’s blood on him again was fine.

Decision to stay made, he took off his shoes and climbed into the bed, lying down by Edd’s side. At first he’d just lay there, still and unsure whether he should move closer or stay where he was, just watching Edd as some sort of reassurance that he was still alive. It was still and calm, and then unconsciously Edd rolled over to face him, an arm draping lazily over kevin’s abdomen - and why did he still have to drag these damn butterflies out of Kevin the way he did? It wasn’t fair, not when he also managed to drag so much pain out of him too. Yet still, the far-too-pale body cuddling up to him was too difficult to deny, and he engulfed Edd in his arms, holding him as close as possible through the night, hoping that he’d be warm again when the sun rose.

* * *

It was 11:17am when Kevin finally woke up. He felt groggy and exhausted and a little out of it, briefly confused as to why he wasn’t in his own bed, and why Edd was wrapped securely in his arms when they’d-- Oh.

He felt like he could throw up right then and there.

The nausea quickly faded; short-lived and replaced with so many conflicting emotions that he didn’t even want to begint to place. It was easier to push them aside and work through them during training rather than actually think about them. Much easier. He rolled over and grabbed for the nearest phone - Edd’s, whose he’d chucked on the nightstand the previous night - and checked the time. 11:20am. Fuck.

His parents would be awake, likely asking him where he was and why he’d left the house so late last night when he got back home. He’d deal with it later, when he had himself a little more together and had managed a bit more time to think of an excuse they’d believe. The hint of a noise escaped Edd, and he looked back over, his stomach doing all sorts of annoying somersaults at seeing him so peaceful. He was never so relaxed when he was awake, or if he was, it was all fabricated. Fake. Layers and layers of false apathy or _something_ , because why else then did he cry when they first made love?

Kevin spotted his own phone on the floor, and an exhausted sigh escaped him. He had to go. Excuses and reasons and explanations would hopefully come to him on the walk home - either that, or he’d find some way to stall to figure it out. Slowly, he turned back to Edd, running his fingers affectionately through what remained of long hair _one last time_ before he kissed his forehead, then the bridge of his nose, then his cheeks, then the corners of his mouth, then-- he had to stop. He had to. He had to. He couldn’t.

He gave him one more slow, meaningful chaste kiss on the lips before shifting over to get out of bed. The movement caused Edd to stir, and the teen instinctively draped an arm around Kevin’s waist and cuddle into his back. _Fuck, if he wasn’t so damn cute_ -

“Nnnnngh.” Edd sounded very, very dead-- not dead not dead just tired. “Kevin~” He groaned, sounding somewhere between pained and half asleep and detached from reality, “I love you~~”

 _Don’t say that don’t say that don’t say that don’t say that_ \- “I love you too.” The words slipped out before he could stop them, and this wasn’t some phone call he could just hang up. Edd was _right there_ , grabbing onto him like he was afraid Kevin would cease to exist if he let go for even a moment and _fuck_ , his voice had cracked when he’d said it back.

“Where’re you going..?” Edd asked, voice slurred and words mumbled. He likely hadn’t noticed the voice break, which Kevin was unsure if he should be grateful for or annoyed about, and he instead opted for that beautiful middle ground of conflicted where his entire life seemed to align for the last few months.

“I..” Kevin swallowed nervously, and _why was this so difficult?_ “I gotta go home, Edd.”

“Noooooo~ You gotta stay.” He was whining - actually whining at him, “Kevin, pleaase.”

Kevin made a strangled, conflicted sound of his own, and gripped the hand resting on his abdomen, interlacing their fingers. The skin felt soft beneath his own, especially where his thumb glided along pale flesh. “I can’t.”

“Mmmmf.” Edd pressed his face further into the small of Kevin’s back, trying to snuggle even closer to him than he already was. Kevin had almost found himself laughing at that. Whether it was _Edd_ or even _Double D_ , the other teen never acted like that. It was strangely endearing, despite the horrible circumstances.

“You’re… not leaving me again, are you?” The vulnerability of those words hit Kevin by surprise. Edd had sounded so small and weak, and none of this was fair, but he was beginning to learn that life wasn’t fair. Why was it then of all times that Edd decided to impart even a shred of honesty onto him? Nothing made sense anymore.

Kevin sighed, long and hard and tired. How could he say no to that? His willpower was all but shot when it came to this, and every time he looked into those eyes, there was never a question left in his mind about any of it at all. “I won’t.” It was soft, genuine. He glanced through the gap in the curtains and out the window, absent. “But I do have to get home.”

Edd squeezed him briefly before finally letting go. He just laid there on his back, sprawled out across the bed with the covers all twisted up and his arm shielding his eyes - his _bandaged-up_ arm. Kevin picked up his phone from where it had apparently been yeeted to the floor and checked his notifications, including over ten missed calls from his mother. Fantastic.

“Kevin…”

Said boy was already pulling his shoes on, “Yeah, Edd?”

“I love you. A lot. I really, truly do.”

“Okay, Edd.”

“You love me too, don’t you?” Edd sounded like he was about to cry, voice weak and shaking and so horribly sad. It was painful to listen to, “Do you still love me?” There was a pitiful, high-pitched whine and yes, he was crying again. _Fuck, the drugs were really screwing with his brain_. 

Immediately Kevin was at his side, stroking long hair out of his face and pressing a gentle, loving kiss against his lips. Watery eyes gazed up at him, and the sheer love that he saw through them was enough for a genuine smile to appear on Kevin’s face. Despite everything, Edd still managed to somehow be so damn endearing. “Yeah. I still love you.” It came a little easier that time, because he knew there was no way he’d attempt to take it back after all of that. He kissed him again, “I’ll get you some water before I leave, alright?” Edd nodded, “Get some more sleep. I’ll see you later.”

Grey eyes were already falling back shut. He just looked so tired. “Thank you.”

As promised, Kevin brought him a glass of water before finally taking his leave. He returned the spare key where he’d found it and headed back home. His mind was filled with thoughts, but most of them buzzed so loudly in his brain that he couldn’t think of anything at all and instead it all blurred together into numbing static.

Soon enough he was at his own front door. The fleeting thought to try and enter silently had slipped past the chaos, but he’d quickly dismissed the idea. It wouldn’t have mattered if he tried to be quiet, because in the end, his parents were going to question him regardless. So he braced himself, and opened the front door.

As soon as the lock clicked shut behind him, his mother was already peering her head out from the kitchen, eyes blazing and clearly ready to give an interrogation. “Kevin Barr, just _where_ have you bee-” She’d marched into the room, prepared to lecture him on the dangers of leaving the house at night and scold him for not telling anyone where he was. That notion had stopped the moment she saw his clothes - his blood stained clothes. Her eyes went wide with fear, and her entire demeanour changed, “I-is that _blood_ on you?”

 _Shit_. He’d forgotten about that. His mother certainly wouldn’t, and she looked very understandably horrified at his disheveled state. She stumbled over her words for a bit, stuck between what to say. Eventually, she opened her mouth to speak, and the dreaded question came, “Kevin, what-”

“I don’t wanna talk about it. _Ever_.” He didn’t give her the chance to finish, storming off up the stairs and slamming the door to his room. It wasn’t something he could say to her - to _anyone_ for that matter. The words felt heavy in his throat and apart of him was certain he’d throw up if he ever tried to talk about it. It was too fresh, too painful - _too soon too soon too soon_.

If he could help it, he would never speak of that night for as long as he lived, and the experience would be nothing more than a bad memory that he took to his grave.

* * *

For several weeks after that, Kevin’s mother kept pressing him for details on what the hell had happened. He’d just ignore her every time it came up, and the badgering almost always resulted in him walking off - downright refusing to talk about it. There were many times he’d simply change the topic of conversation and not let it slip back, no matter how hard she tried to.

The attempts to bring it up abruptly stopped after she’d decided to corner him about it one day. He’d been in his room at the time, messing around on his computer when she’d gone to ask him, yet again, why he had been covered in blood. As usual, he felt his own blood run cold at the memory and he shrugged it off, not allowing himself to think about it for even a second longer than needed. She had become adamant after that, tone assertive and disciplinary, demanding he tell her what happened _or else_.

That had caused a horrific spiral. Everything was happening _too fast_ and it _fucking hurt_ to breathe and _why did it have to feel like he was living that moment all over again?_ All-too-quick she’d seen the panic, and then her determination had shifted to regret and she decided that whatever that answer was, it’d only hurt him if she forced it out of him.

And so she tried to get him a counsellor, which had proved to be equally counterproductive. The discussion always ended with, “I _don’t_ need a counsellor, mom. Sports does me just fine.” and then the conversation was over, else she feared she’d cause another ‘episode’ of whatever had happened the last time she’d been too forceful about it. He wouldn’t have attended the appointment had she arranged one anyway, and it would have taken her dragging him into the room by force to make him go. He didn’t need a counsellor. Period. Edd needed the fucking counsellor.

* * *

Kevin and Edd were back together; it was hard not to be after everything that had happened. There was still pain and confusion and a dreadful feeling of the unknown, but there was also the love and familiarity that had always been there - the second one was just a little quieter than it used to be. This time around, Kevin made a point not to ditch his friends again, and so Edd would just have to succumb to cuddling up to him and sulking about it whenever Kevin sat with their old group. Of course, that was only the few times he actually sat with them when Kevin decided that he wanted to. Half the time Edd wandered off to get high.

The weed use didn’t stop, but he didn’t use heroin again after that near-death experience, although strangely enough, it probably hadn’t even been the drug that had almost killed him. It had likely been some dark combination of the blood loss mixed with heroin, and the more he’d thought back to it, the more Edd realised that he hadn’t meant to hurt himself that time - at least to the extent which he’d done. Every night before that one he’d found a reason to live, but a scary thought had been stuck with him ever since that happening: had Kevin not picked up the phone, Edd would have almost certainly made sure he’d died.

He’d never thought suicide was an option. Even when he’d watched the blood fall from his arms, it still hadn’t been an option. There was just so much pain and he needed some way to let it out, because drinking and smoking sure as hell hadn’t been enough that night. But then a few hours had gone by and he’d really lost a lot of blood, and then a daunting thought had passed his mind when he’d realised that the possibility of death was present: did he _want_ to die? Through the static that had existed in the pain, an answer had come - the worst possible answer he could have conceived. Yes, he did.

Suddenly all ideas changed from _alleviate the pain_ to _make it go away **forever**_ , and then he was _really_ bleeding out and blackness existed on the edges of his consciousness and _fuck_ he was really going through with it, wasn’t he? Earlier that day, all he’d thought about was getting high so he could forget about his shit grade, but then he’d ended up there, lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood with the realisation that the filth didn’t even phase him anymore.

Then there was _Kevin_. It had been a passing thought, of how Kevin had left him, and _how could he leave him like that?_ It was Edd’s own fault, clearly, because _he’d let him go and pushed him away and-- fuck, he did deserve death, didn’t he?_ It had seemed so simple then. He deserved the pain. He deserved to die alone, but then some stupid, stubborn thought pushed from the back of his brain, and _wouldn’t it hurt Kevin if he died?_

He’d almost laughed at the idea. Almost, if it weren’t for the fact that a part of him wondered if Kevin still loved him - if he would miss him, if he would _mourn_ him, and somehow that thought hurt a lot more than living with the pain. Somewhere, through the numbness that had been tingling up his arms for the last few minutes from blood loss, he stumbled for his phone and dialed the number that had become ingrained into his memory. It had rang, and rang, and rang, and rang, until some automated voicemail played through. _‘Sorry, your call could not be taken at this time. Please leave a messa-’_ Click. He’d hung up before the rest of that could play out.

So Kevin truly didn’t care anymore, then.

He would have had his phone on him. He would have seen the call and ignored him, because Kevin always picked up when he called. He just didn’t care anymore. There was no other reasonable explanation - because things such as he was in the shower, or taking a shit, or having dinner or _whatever_ weren’t valid reasons. They didn’t exist in that borderline between life and death, and _that_ stung.

There was this distilled moment of _that’s it, then?_ In which nothing else was relative outside the distorted combination of total numbness and absolute agony. He would die. He was going to die, and no one would miss him - not his parents, or his friends, or Kevin. No one at all. There was a relief to be had in that. No one had to mourn him. No one had to grieve him. No one else had to feel this pain because of something he did. It was going to be okay.

If that was the truth, then why was he overcome with the sudden urge to cry? The feeling stung his eyes even though no tears fell. The moment the darkness set in, everything would be easy because it would all be over, but then it _would_ all be over. He didn’t want to die. Not without a goodbye, or something - _anything_. Surely there had to be something more. Something out there to grasp onto that wasn’t this pain. _Had Kevin really let him go?_ He had to know. He had to know for sure that there was still something worth staying awake for, even if it wasn’t forever. He called again.

Within two rings he was sent to voicemail. He didn’t have it in him to hit the end button, even after the beep had already come and tears found themselves free-flowing down his face. Fuck, it hurt. He was already speaking before he could stop himself and hang up “Kevin-” It felt like the name tore from his lungs, because never had it hurt so much to just say someone’s name. He should have stopped - he knew he should have, but he just couldn’t. He had to at least get that goodbye in, if that was going to be his last chance to do so. “Kevin please-” He gasped for air, already so _broken_ , “Please answer me.”

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair of him to beg like that but he _needed_ that closure. He needed to know if there was a reason to even try anymore, “I need you. Please.” Each word just added to the agony, and he was openly sobbing now. He felt so damn pathetic. “I’m sorry I-- I’m sorry. I d-didn’t want you t-to go.” It was getting difficult to even get a sentence out, between the heavy sobbing and fading in and out of consciousness and the inability to just think anymore, “I need you here. I love you.” He’d cut the line then, unable to think of anything else to say to a faceless machine.

He hadn’t expected the call back from that, nor had he expected Kevin to come over, but somewhere between that time, the needle he’d scored had been too tempting to leave untouched. It had been such a stupid idea, but in the vivid fear that maybe he wouldn’t come, he needed something to calm him down; at least long enough for Kevin to get there. If he’d still died after all of that, it just meant nobody had been looking for him.

But then Kevin had arrived and Edd was already so strung out from the blood loss and the drug kicking in that he truly was useless, and it wasn’t for a few days after that he really felt normal again - that bittersweet nothing that coated rage and pain, because feeling nothing was better than feeling anything at all.

It was a damn miracle he was still alive after that. He’d never wanted to see Kevin cry again.

* * *

It had been a few days later when Edd had re-discovered the used needle in the bathroom. It had rolled somewhere underneath the sink, likely after he'd decided trying heroine was a _bright_ idea. He'd thrown it in the trash without a second thought, feeling a strange sort of relief as he'd done so. If Edd hadn't even noticed the needle until he'd found it in him to finally go in and clean the bathroom, there was a good chance Kevin hadn't even realised the full extent of what he'd done that night. There was a chance Kevin didn't know just how entirely broken Edd was.

* * *

The tipping point came when Edd decided breaking and entering school grounds after hours would be a good idea.

He was back into roping Kevin to go along with his plans. It had never necessarily been intentional, but Kevin had become so damn scared he’d lose Edd if he didn’t go with him ever since that night mere weeks prior. It had become a bit like that: the both of them utterly terrified they would lose the other - Edd fearing that Kevin would leave him again, and Kevin fearing that Edd would leave the Earth for good if he was left alone for too long.

It started harmless enough - some simple graffiti after-hours, throwing rocks through windows, and messing with the school computers (it was going to be hilarious when they had an entire school assembly about why you can’t put porn on the school desktops). It was all meant to be harmless - even if all of it had stopped being harmless all those months ago when Edd had decided to punish Yvonne for what was barely even an insult. Then he started carving curse words into the wooden desks, and kicking tables over, and being a little overly violent, but Kevin was apprehensive about saying anything. His boyfriend (yes, boyfriend - he could call him that again and it was _glorious_ ) would eventually burn himself out on the destruction and just leave, and then everything would be fine.

He thought that, until Edd had started smashing glass beakers in the science lab. At first it had been one, accidentally knocked off of the edge of a bench - and _who the hell was that reckless as to leave one so close that it could be knocked over?_ Regardless, it had been the flood gates, and then all-too-fast there was a deviant smirk on Edd’s face and he was grabbing a whole stash of them to destroy. Within less than a minute shattered glass was everywhere, and he just kept smashing and smashing and smashing and smashing and- “Edd.” Kevin hissed, yanking his arm before he could throw another one, “Don’t you think that’s enough?”

“ _No._ ” The word had come out strangled. Edd sounded strangely weak - vulnerable - in a way Kevin had never heard him be until that devastating night he’d been strung out on heroin. Edd forced his way out of the grip on his arm, and was already smashing the beaker in his hand before Kevin could react. “It’s not enough.” He spat out, and grabbed another one. He was shaking with something akin to fury - that same rage swimming in his eyes that had been there the day he’d decided to take the vandalism a bit too far. “It’s never enough!” He screamed, and another beaker shattered against the ground.

“What are you two boys _doing?_ ”

The room went dead silent. The two of them whipped their heads around to see one of the science teachers standing in the doorway. It was Ms. Wilson, a teacher they’d both had in the past. She knew them well, and she did _not_ look happy. Kevin and Edd stared at her in shock for all of a few seconds, at a loss for what to do. Then they were looking at each other, and Edd’s hand was already reaching for Kevin’s wrist before he fucking bolted through the opposite door for the lab.

The teacher stood there for a brief moment, completely bewildered about what had just happened, but that certainly hadn’t lasted long. All but mere seconds were gone before her wits caught up with her, and she was breaking out into a sprint - absolutely _not_ about to let them get away with the damages. “Oh, no you-” She rounded door exit, catching sight of them halfway down the hallway. “Get back here! Both of you!” She shouted out to them.

In everything that happened, Edd hadn’t taken the time to think that not only did Ms. Wilson know both of them, but she had also seen their faces. All he could think was run. _Run run run run run_. He weaved in and out of classrooms, jumping tables and sliding down hallways, leaping down stairwells and jumping on top of _lockers_ where he could. It was a wonder Kevin could even keep up with him through only the grip on his wrist-- when it came down to it, Kevin was definitely in better shape than Edd, but he wasn’t as damn fast and nimble; his fitness just slightly more aligned with strength than anything else.

Once Edd was certain they’d lost her, they slipped into one of the teacher offices and stopped to catch their breaths. Their sense of calm was quickly broken when in the span of two seconds the teacher had burst through the door, out of breath and _fuming_. In even less time, Edd was out the window with Kevin in close tow, and the chase was on again.

“No. We’re not doing this again.” Ms. Wilson fucking _vaulted_ out of the window, immediately spotting the two racing across the garden. She wasted no time running over to them, picking up speed and having a clear advantage since there were no more obstacles between them that Edd could use to try and evade her. In mere seconds she’d gotten ahold of them both - grabbing them by the backs of their shirts and effectively putting an end to the chase. They’d been caught.

“FUCK!” Edd screamed, arms whipping behind him in a futile attempt to fight off the teacher’s grip. He struggled and struggled and struggled but it truly did fuck-all, because Kevin did nothing to try and escape on his end. He just wanted it to be over. He was done.

The teacher only tightened her hold on Edd, refusing to let him slip away now that she’d finally caught them. “Edd-” She started, hoping to start some form of dialgoue, but then he screamed again, combinations of “ _Get off get off get off_ ” and “ _fuck fuck fuck fuck_ ” and she was not having it, “Edd!” She reprimanded, and the intensity of it finally got him to stop fighting her. All that was left was laboured breathing. She took that as his form of compliance and continued speaking, voice bellowing, “Now, just what do you think you two were doing _breaking school property?_ ”

Edd wasn’t looking at her, but he'd definitely heard her. It was over. It was all over and now they were in trouble and- “It was me.” His voice was too rushed. Too panicked. He was thinking about too many things and none of them constructive for what was going on, “It was me not him- I forced him to come here. It’s my fault just let him go _please_.”

That confession had been surprising to Kevin. He didn’t think the other teen had it in him to say even one shred of truth, and yet he’d done just that - so easy at that. It was a little touching, if anything, that he was actually willing to take the fall. Kevin felt his gaze soften just slightly, “Edd-”

“No, Kevin.” Edd interjected. He was staring at the ground, unable to look at anyone in that moment because _it was over it was over it was over_ and he was _definitely_ breathing way too quickly, “I-I cannot keep dragging you into my issues and this is not right- it’s not your fault I am so so sorry I love y-”

“Stop.” Kevin couldn’t bear to listen to the panic in his boyfriend’s voice, regardless of why it was there. In an instant, he had managed to yank the teacher’s hold off of him and he was grabbing onto Edd tightly - one arm secured around his waist and the other cradling the back of his head. “It’s okay, I’ll be okay.” He kissed his hair and managed to grip him even further - desperate to do anything to make him calm down, “It’ll be alright.”

“Kevin,” The teacher was pointed with his name, seeming to come to some understanding that if she wanted an answer, her best bet was to ask the guy that wasn’t having some sort of a nervous breakdown. Kevin looked over to her as she’d addressed him, feeling some form of remorse at defying her, but also very clearly unwilling to let go of the trembling mess in his arms. She spoke again, “What is your part in this, then?”

The nature of that question deeply conflicted him. By that point, he was more than sick of the lies - sick of everything, and maybe if Edd finally got caught then he’d realised his actions had consequences and just _stop_. There was a chance that being forced to face what he’d done would serve as some sort of wake-up call for him, but it was still nothing more than a chance - something fallible. On the other hand, there was a part of him that feared what would happen if he did tell the truth, because what if Edd didn’t change? What if this served to push him off of the edge, and Kevin truly couldn’t save him? What if-

“Answer me, Kevin.” Ms. Wilson cut off his flurry of thoughts, becoming restless, “I only have so little patience when at least one of you has been destroying my equipment.”

No matter how uncertain things were, in the end there was only one thing he could do, and that was to be honest. “Edd was telling you the truth, Miss.” He gripped the boy in his arms tighter, fighting past the confliction he felt about telling her. It had to be said, “I didn’t- don’t wanna be here. I just didn’t wanna leave him alone either.”

“Why did you come here, then?” She was tapping her foot, clearly ready to punish the both of them if they didn’t start cooperating, quick.

He felt nausea building up in him at the prospect of answering that question. He couldn’t even tell his own mother what he was so afraid of, and he’d downright refused to see a counsellor about it, either. He’d told no one. _No one_. He would rather _die_ having never spoken about it if he could, if only it meant he would never have to relive the pain - and _oh god he had to say it, didn’t he?_ He had to tell Ms. Wilson if it meant Edd would finally get some fucking help and - “I was, um.” There was a lump in his throat. _It hurt it hurt it hurt_ , “I was scared he would-” A shudder overtook him briefly, the words felt so bitter in his mouth - and _why now did he not want to do the right thing when that’s all he’d wanted for months_ \- “Hurt himself.”

That was hard. He could taste the tears that wanted to fall. He didn’t have it in him to cry again though.

“Wh-what?” Her demeanour had changed, and why did she have to have so much compassion for them- “How long has this been going on?”

“No.” The word was muffled where Edd’s face was still hidden against Kevin’s chest. He ripped it away, and he would have bolted had Kevin not gotten a vice-like grip on his upper arms before he could flee, “NO! YOU CANNOT MAKE ME-- KEVIN, _LET GO OF ME!_ ” His breathing was all fucked and yep he was about to break down _not good not good not good_ -

“Edd,” It was Ms. Wilson, “Please, control yoursel-”

“I HAVE BEEN CONTROLLING MYSELF!” The tears were falling, too many too quick. He was sobbing and shit if he didn’t breathe he was gonna pass out- “I’VE BEEN CONTROLLING MYSELF MY WHOLE _FUCKING_ LIFE BUT ALL ANYONE NOTICES IS NOW! FUCK NOW! IT’S TOO LATE IT’S-”

“EDD!” It was Kevin this time, and he was already gripping Edd’s face to make him look at him, “You need to calm down and talk to us for God’s sake!”

“I AM TALKING TO YOU!” He screamed so violently that his voice broke. Another sob followed, and his knees crumpled. “I’M FINALLY TALKING AND NOW ALL YOU WANT ME TO DO IS **_SHUT UP_** -”

“For God’s sake, NO!” They were forehead to forehead, lower to the ground and this hurt this hurt this hurt, “All you’ve done is shut me out! I’ve tried to be there for you and you almost fucking die on me!” He kept his grip strong, his hands firm where they rested on Edd’s face despite his attempts to push Kevin’s arms away, “What the hell are we even doing here?! I get you have issues but hurting other people solves nothing!” He didn’t break his gaze away, even though Edd had his eyes scrunched shut in some attempt to avoid looking back at him. Kevin kept going, determined to finally just _get through to him_ , “I can’t believe _I’m_ telling you that, of all people!”

The silence felt more deafening than the yelling. Ms. Wilson remained quiet through all of it - maybe by God’s grace or something along the lines of that, seeming to get the hint that this had been a long-time coming. Eventually, Edd said something, very, very quietly, “I’m not hurting people.”

“Yes, you are!” Kevin wasted no time in making that point clear, “You’re hurting everyone you’re ‘pranking’ - and it’s not even a fucking joke anymore!” Despite everything, he still managed to rub soothing circles on Edd’s cheeks, still so damn drawn to him even then. He sighed, feeling some of the frustration leave him, and that familiar suffering exhaustion take its place, “My parents won’t even let me invite you over anymore. They don’t want me to even talk to you.” Edd finally looked up at him, eyes wide and hopelessly lost as Kevin spoke, “Nazz still hates me because you fucked her off, and fucking Marie checked on you--” He almost laughed at that one, disbelief and the edges of anger still showing through, “how the fuck is _she_ a better person than you?” He stopped briefly, feeling more drained than relieved after everything he’d said, and it wasn’t even the worst of it either, “Edd, I don’t even know you anymore, dude.” Actually saying it sucked the life out of him, “I - I can’t even call you Double D. That dude’s _actually_ dead, and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna see him again.”

There was a humbling moment where nobody spoke and those words seemed to just settle in. Kevin felt Edd shudder in his hands, and heard a pained gasp for air follow, “I-I’m still me.” He sounded weak, but in a different way to any other time he’d sounded like that - as if it was genuine and not forced out of him, “I’ve always been angry, Kevin.”

Kevin shrugged, “Maybe.” They were still so close, but he just couldn’t look at him anymore. He’d already said so much, yet there was still more to come, “But it never used to hurt me to be around you.”

That broke the fucking damn.

More tears rolled down Edd’s face, but it wasn’t hysterical or angry or violent - it was _pain_. “I-” He sobbed, and somehow it felt so painfully Double D that Edd was entirely forgotten for the briefest of moments, “It is _constant_ agony.” He was crying, and for once he wasn’t trying to lie about it, “I just - I just want it to stop.”

“That’s possible.”

Ms. Wilson finally interjected into the conversation - and _how had they almost forgotten she was still there?_ She still looked annoyed, but there was also compassion there, because she knew them, and she knew Edd never used to be like this. It served as a pleasant reminder that there were good teachers out there, even if the rest of the situation really, really sucked. “But you’re going to have to fess up to everything and face the consequences of what you’ve done.”

Those words took a moment to sink in. Fess up. Fess up. That was a terrifying concept. That’d mean admitting to all the damage he’d caused to people’s properties - all the vandalism. It’d mean paying the school back for everything, and his parents-- the thought of them finding out any of this made his stomach twist horribly. On the other hand there was this teacher, who was being so kind to him even though he’d damaged the science lab. Then there was Marie, who worried about him when she didn’t even need to. That meant there could be others too - people he didn’t even think about who existed, and probably cared about him. It was a foreign feeling; being cared for, especially by anyone that wasn’t Kevin - who’d done more for him than he even deserved.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever get around to sorting out the mess of thoughts in his head (the one thing in his life he was never able to meticulously organise), but weirdly enough, there was hope. Maybe somehow things could get better. At least, he wouldn’t know if he didn’t try, because if this went on any longer, he would probably end up dead.

For once, Edd decided to stop running.

* * *

The following day at school, Edd had been in the principal’s office before the first bell could even ring.

That talk had been the longest of his damn life, and he’d been set out the even longer set of consequences he’d have to face for all the damages. It started at a month of internal suspension, with two weeks of consistent after-school detentions - harsh, but seemingly very fair considering what he’d done, and then along with it came volunteering around the school to make up for the vandalism. It was mostly cleaning during breaks and a few other things here and there, but despite the whole mass of dread at what more external consequences were to come, there was an odd sense of relief.

That had been, of course, until the matter of phoning his parents.

The very thought made his blood run cold. There had been begging and pleading for them not to call - that everything would be fine if they just let it be, and he would take accountability for everything if they didn’t call them, but of course things just could not work like that. There had been questions of why they shouldn’t call his parents and a demand for a good explanation. Phoning home for punishments such as those was a mandatory procedure - and he knew all of that, back from the days when his friends kept getting into trouble and would receive phone calls home because they never bothered to show their parents the notes they were given, but this - this was something different altogether.

In the end, it had come down to another horrible matter of having to tell the truth, and the truth was that his parents were neglectful at best and abusive at worst. Then there were questions, and more questions, and more questions. There were reports and phone calls and a fucking _investigation_ , or at least, there certainly was going to be in the coming months, parallel with his existing punishments.

The whole lot of that filled him with a worse dread than what he’d felt when Ms. Wilson had managed to catch him the previous night.

* * *

After the first week of internal suspension, Edd broke up with Kevin.

His detention had ended around the same time Kevin finished football practice that day, so he’d stuck around the edge of the oval, in sight but still far enough away to not draw too much attention to himself - as if that ‘hairstyle’ he still had wasn’t eye-catching enough for that. Within minutes, Kevin had caught sight of him, and after packing up for the day, was walking over to meet him with a casual nod in greeting.

Barely a word was exchanged before the two were heading back home. Admittedly, things felt a little awkward after everything that had happened, and ever since Edd had been told his punishments, he hadn’t really been talking to Kevin, who’d been too drained himself to feel like talking to anyone.

Within ten minutes they were back in a familiar neighbourhood, and then from there Edd decided to take an unexpected detour; heading towards a nearby park instead of his house. Albeit confused, Kevin still followed him - unsure of the sudden change, but under the impression he should tag along nonetheless. They ended up on a swing set, the both of them still not saying a word to the other as they sat there.

After a few more moments of silence, Kevin decided to be the one to start the conversation, “How’s detention going?”

Edd shrugged, only it looked a little less lifeless and a little more him than he had in awhile. He seemed pensive, a little lost in thought, “It… has presented me with the opportunity to consider my current position.” He paused, weighing his words carefully, actually thinking for the first time in a long time, “In our academic institution, within our social standings… between us. And by extension, myself.”

Things felt quiet, calm in a way that they hadn’t been for months. Kevin actually found himself smirking at the sudden familiarity of it, “Glad to hear ya sounding a bit like you’re old self.”

Edd’s face warmed a little at this, “Perhaps.” It was quiet again, but it felt a lot less awkward and significantly more comfortable than it had in the past. There was no worry, or hurt, of fear; just the two of them, together. Edd certainly seemed contemplative, however, brows furrowed together as he spoke again, “Kevin.”

“Yeah?” He answered quickly, blue-green eyes shifting their sole attention to the teen on the other swing. He saw a grimace, some sort of bitterness as Edd’s gaze fixed somewhere between the ground beneath him and the horizon ahead. It caused Kevin’s own nerves to fray a little, but not with the same kind of dread that was usually present.

After some more time passed, Edd continued,“I truly meant it, every time I told you I… love you. In case you were ever uncertain.” It felt so difficult for him to say it then after everything he’d done - because _what right did he even have to even say such words after all the pain he had caused?_ It wasn’t a lie, none of it was, but he certainly felt like he didn’t deserve the liberty of expressing that anymore. Regardless, he was trying to be honest; he’d spent too long lying to everyone, especially the ones who mattered most. “The first time I’d expressed it to you, I had been tearful, if you recall.”

“I do, yeah.” The memory always caused a conflicting bittersweet pang in his heart that he’d never known what to make of.

“And while I had meant it at the time” Edd elaborated, voice still cautious, controlled, “- I still do now, but I was not prepared to tell you the true reason I was distressed.” He breathed, _slow, slow, slow_ \- much different from the erraticism Kevin had grown so used to. “I had felt pain, even in that moment, and…” Edd focused intently, refusing to let the thought and momentum slip away. He wasn’t going to back out, not when he was finally speaking, “It became... substantially amplified, when I’d come to the realisation that being with you in such a way had not been sufficient enough to dull that pain.”

There was a short, quiet second. Kevin felt he should say something, anything to provide some sort of comfort, “Edd-”

The other teen raised his hand to silence him, “I appreciate your efforts to support me, truly, but I fear if you were to interrupt me that I may never be able to say this.” He stopped again, taking a moment to think. He let out a slow, shuddering breath, collecting himself enough to keep going, “Kevin, I - I have deeply wounded you, and I doubt my capacity to ever fully repay you for the damage I have caused, but I would like to make a start.” Kevin opened his mouth to speak, but Edd immediately cut him off, “I am formally ending our relationship.”

That caught Kevin by surprise. “You- _what?_ ” He sputtered, shocked - almost falling off of the swing in the process. He would have waited for the painful squeeze of his heart to come, but Edd was already explaining himself before it could.

“It is the only way, Kevin.” He elaborated, earnest through and through, “I must do all I can to atone for the disarray I have caused, and I refuse to keep you captive in this for a moment longer.” There was a pause, and his demeanour changed from contemplative to hesitant, timid almost, “However, if the time comes in our futures where I am… recovered, and you still feel any desire for me, then… I will be here. Always.” There was a fond smile, at nothing in particular, “I do not believe that I will feel for anyone else what I feel for you, present or future.”

The silence dragged on for a long while after that. Kevin was unsure whether or not to feel heartbroken, because Edd was breaking up with him, but hadn’t he wanted that mere weeks ago? Maybe it was being stuck between acceptance of the toxicity, but a refusal to move forward - to try and imagine a life without that love he knew existed underneath all the pain. Edd was right, and Kevin had been too when he’d first called it off, but somehow that didn’t make it as easy to agree with him as it should have. He sat there, letting the words wash over him-- and Edd hadn’t said it was an end, just a break; just until he was better and they could actually be happy together. Kevin wanted that. He just wanted a chance for them to be okay, and finally, they both seemed to be on the same page about that.

“Alright.” Kevin breathed the word out, heart-wrenching and hopeful all the same. He hopped off of the swing and turned to face Edd with a bittersweet smile. If that day was an end in and of itself, he wanted the chance at a proper goodbye, “Can I at least have a kiss before I’m single again?”

A pink tinge to appear on Edd’s cheeks at the request, and he nodded - a little too enthusiastically to be casual, “That would be… fine.”

“Great.” Kevin sauntered over to him, grabbing his face between his hands and the warmth was back - _oh god it was back and alive and_ \- he kissed him, long and slow and sweet, like a greeting and farewell all the same. After a few seconds he’d went to pull away, but then he was kissing him again and again, a few more times before he finally felt ready to say goodbye - or at least as close to being ready as he would ever be.

They both felt flushed and nervous as they parted, like it was their first time kissing and not the last. A smile managed to reach both their eyes despite the sadness that was there, “I’ll see ya around… D.”

And then he was gone, and Edd was left with the warm feeling that even if he wasn’t quite Double D yet, he’d already made a start.

* * *

Edd returned to school with a more respectable haircut (short and styled, no home dye-job) and less tattered clothes about two weeks after his punishments began. It was only something small, but he was beginning to recognise himself when he looked in the mirror again.

* * *

Counselling was probably one of the hardest parts of everything Edd had to do, because it meant that he had to tell the truth - the _whole_ truth.

He had to talk about _why_ he’d started breaking the law - the way destroying things helped release all that pain and anger he’d been burying deep, deep down ( _And why had he been so angry?_ ) Perhaps it had something to do with always being the outcast; spending years and years never being accepted. Maybe it was because of his old friends - of Eddy ( _And who’s Eddy?_ ) the boy who’d offered him friendship, but in reality only ever took and took and took until Edd was as much of an outsider as Eddy, and all he was good for was hurting other people ( _And maybe that’s why he fell into the habit of hurting people and seeing no problem with it?_ ) Maybe, yes.

Then there were his parents - the ones who’d birthed him and then left him. The ones who’d allowed a child to fend for himself, never supporting him and only leaving those stupid notes until they decided to move away ‘for work’ and only ever sent him money so he didn’t starve and die. Maybe they were why he was always so bad at expressing himself, because he’d had no one without them there to hold his hand when he needed them ( _Maybe that’s why he was so good at deflecting? Because he was never taught how to talk express anything?_ ) Likely. Possibly.

Then that leaves Kevin ( _And who is Kevin?_ ). Everything. Unequivocally everything and so much more. He was literally the reason Edd was still live ( _Literally?_ ) Yes, there had been a suicide attempt ( _Will there likely be another one?_ ) No, incredibly unlikely. He was already starting to feel more human than he had in a long time. He just hoped one day he was well enough to let Kevin in again ( _He would be, surely. He was taking all the right steps and was stopping the self-destructive, all-consuming behaviours already_ ). That was always a start, much like all the other starts he’d been making as of late. They all seemed to be steering him in the right direction.

* * *

Edd was put into foster care effective immediately following his first few sessions of counselling.

He had tried to protest; he had insisted that he was more than capable of caring for himself and had practically begged them not to disrupt what he had going on. It was handled, as far as he saw it. He got good grades and he kept the house clean and knew everything he needed to know to maintain a household - all he needed was an income and his parents provided that so _what was the problem?_

His psychologist had been equally as insistent, that _no, that was not healthy_ and _yes, it did pose a problem_. The man - a fifty-something year old bloke with greying hair that had said “Call me Warrick” in their first session, had delved into an explanation of emotional abuse and abuse by neglect, and how Edd's parents certainly fit both of those, especially since their absence from his life could be traced back to his early childhood. He went into explanations of the importance of emotional support and having steady role models to rely on. He talked about all the things a parent should be, and all the ways in which Edd's parents were failing to be everything they needed to be. He truly left no room for question, and despite the fear and anxiety and all the swirls of uncertainty that were forming in Edd’s head and in his chest, he’d relented.

Then there was the matter of legalities and being handled by the system, but by that point, Edd was somehow already in the care of a foster couple around a twenty minute walk from his childhood home. His involvement beyond the psychologist visits in the matter seemed to be limited, under some pretence that Edd had already been forced to grow up much too quickly, and that he should not be further involved in adult issues. 

The foster couple was nice - two women in their early forties who were dead set on supporting youth who didn't have the support of their families. Edd was aware of how lucky he was to be put in under the supervision of people who actually cared, considering some of the horror stories that existed in the foster care system. Maybe it was because he was gay, and there just so happened to be a lesbian couple that certainly would be supportive in that regard, and so they’d been more than happy to take him in and help him improve his life. He figured as much when they embraced him into their lives so easily, and had made it clear that he could go to them for anything and everything the moment he’d stepped through their doors.

There was an immense relief to be had in that security - not having to worry about being removed from one abusive situation and being placed in another. The light that had begun appearing at the end of the tunnel only seemed to be getting brighter.

* * *

There was a period of uncertainty that existed when it came to the matter of Nazz.

She hated Kevin and Edd, and how could Edd not have known that? It wasn't like it was subtle or anything, she hadn't spoken to the two of them for a good year-- and really, how had he not noticed that? He'd been beginning to realise that there were a lot of things he hadn't been taking notice of, but this - he really must have been out of touch for a while there.

He caught glimpses of her around the school, hanging out with the other cheerleaders, and _had they all migrated away as well?_ Maybe they'd been salty Kevin was off the markets. _Maybe_. Well, he technically wasn't anymore, but Edd had no clue how true that was. Kevin hadn't seemed to really be into the whole 'dating game' before they'd gotten together, and that hadn't seemed to change much after their break up-- if anything, he only seemed that much more unavailable when he was with no one, so perhaps there had been some truth there.

Perhaps Edd still had the chance to make things right. He hoped so, anyway.

Then there was Nazz, who was beautiful and kind and all sorts of tones of extroverted. She was fun and free-willed and _how did he piss off someone so loving?_ That was definitely a deep, heavy guilt he held onto - ever since those words that had been burned into his memory-- _"and Nazz still hates me because you fucked her off!"_ How was there ever a chance to atone for that?

And so the weeks following the end of his internal suspension, he caught glimpses of her around the school. Nazz talking to friends. Nazz helping others out. Nazz excitedly going on about her day. Each time he saw her, it was only served to amplify the remorse that had settled in when he'd come to realise how he'd effectively shut her out - not only from his life, but from Kevin's. He had to try. He had to do _something_ to make sure she didn't hate Kevin at the very least.

That left the question of whether or not he should speak to her, and if so, what the hell he was meant to say. Granted, the intended outcome of whatever conversation he could possible conceive would not necessarily to be in her good graces again, but just for her to know that it was all his fault and absolutely _not_ Kevin's - that if she was to hated either of them, it was Edd. It was all Edd, and Kevin didn't deserve to suffer because of that.

Barely a few days had passed before he'd reached a decision. As per many of his moves in that past year, it was not the most well thought-out, but he figured that could be forgiven when he had no clue how to approach a scorned Nazz in the first place. She was talking to a couple of the other cheerleaders, not appearing engaged in anything beyond small-talk; as good an opportunity as any to try and talk to the girl who was never alone for more than two seconds. With a steely resolve, he approached her where she stood near the steps to one of the school buildings. She barely noticed his presence until he was mere metres from her.

"Nazz?"

Her name came out more like a question - more timid than he'd anticipated. Her golden-blonde hair whipped around her as she turned to face him, an unimpressed look etched into her features before she could even utter a word to him. "Yeah?" It sounded as cold and hateful as possible without seeming intentionally so, something which Edd found oddly impressive.

"I, well-" He was already stammering for words. A good start, clearly, "I wished to speak to you-"

"There's nothing for us to talk about." She shot back, biting and harsh. Her glare was cold and her tone was pointed.

He had to make his intent clear right then, else he’d lose what may have been his one shot at setting things right with her. "It's not about me." He rushed out, voice bordering between level and urgent, "It is regarding Kevin."

This seemed to cause her pause. She appeared mildly surprised, stopping for a moment to consider his words. Quickly enough, anger found its way onto her face. "He's not taking you back." She stated harshly, folding her arms in displeasure, "Or at least, he shouldn't. And I'm not helping you either."

Ouch. That stung. He thought it was very fair though, however that wasn't what he was going to tell her. "I assure you I am not here to request such a thing of you or him." He insisted, earnest showing through his words and his eyes and his body language, "I... wish to clear Kevin's name, involving - well, everything."

She quirked a brow at that statement, still sceptical. However, she didn't make a move to interrupt him.

"Nazz," He was coming to the sentimental part - words he'd rehearsed over and over in his head in hopes to keep some form of a general idea of what he would say to her and how he'd go about it. Nothing was memorised, but as he spoke, he found that at the very least something came to him, and he pressed on, "I don't believe I can entirely express my sincerest apologies to you for the way I have acted." It was a start, a good start at that, "However, I worry that Kevin had unwittingly come to harbour a considerable amount of blame for my actions, and I will not stand to have him lose a friend for things which I have done."

He stopped for a moment, choosing his words carefully. His eyes shifted to the ground in thought, before glancing back up at Nazz and the two girls she had been talking to. Neither of them were appearing to bud in anytime soon - seeming to have enough decency to let the two talk. They didn't walk away either, something which Nazz faintly noticed.

"Hanna, Tanya." Her squad looked to her, slightly perplexed, "I'll talk to you guys later, yeah? I gotta sort this out real quick."

The two other girls shrugged, clearly not invested enough in what was going on to care. "Suits us." Hanna said, grabbing the hand of Tanya to lead her away, "I know you'll fill us in on the deets later!" She called as they left, sending a cheeky wink back Nazz's way.

The blonde rolled her eyes at them playfully, before returning her attention back to Edd - all humour gone. "Edd, look." She sighed, hands shifting to hold her upper arms in a more soothing way, rather than keeping them fully crossed, "I kinda gathered what you told me, alright?" Something between anger, hurt and disappointment swirled in her eyes - forming some type of conflict within her, "But he still distanced himself, and not _once_ did he apologise for that." Something akin to resentment flashed over face, and she looked back at Edd intently, "That's on him. Not you."

He considered her words. While he had certainly not helped the situation, he had never intended for Kevin to distance himself like Nazz was saying. Admittedly, Edd hadn't done anything to help their friendship, especially since his whole 'spiral' had started, but he had never tried to stop Kevin from being close to Nazz. He'd never felt 'threatened' by her, even if her and Kevin were exes and had still been best friends after their relationship had ended - he'd trusted Kevin, and apparently Kevin had given him too much credit when it came to his friendship with Nazz. However, this was at least one thing Edd wasn't entirely to blame for. "I see." He muttered, more to himself than her.

"Yeah." She reiterated, obtaining a bit more of an uncaring demeanour than mere seconds prior, "So unless he mans up and tells me himself, I think we're done here."

His short-lived relief for not being at fault was diminished by the realisation that he couldn't fix this mistake - even if that was because it wasn't his mistake to fix. "I-If that is how you feel," He chose his words carefully, "I shall respect it."

The quirk of a grin tugged at the side of her lip, and something that sounded oddly like a breath of laughter escaped her, "At least you seem more... you now." She rolled her shoulder in what may have been some attempt to physically shrug off the conversation, and then she walked off - keeping her gaze dead ahead to avoid eye-contact with him.

Just before she could move out of earshot, Edd turned back to call out to her, "I truly meant it, when I expressed the depth of my regrets to you." She stopped moving, but didn't turn back to face him, "I... am deeply sorry, Nazz. For neglecting the friendship we once had. I do not expect anything of you, now or in future, but know that I am sorry."

She cleared her throat, "Got it." She still did not turn back.

* * *

By the end of that day, Edd had slipped a note into Kevin's locker, saying that he should talk to Nazz again.

No matter how bad he wanted to talk to Kevin again, Edd would be a man of his word and keep his distance until he felt he was truly better - and while many changes had already happened, he still felt he wasn't quite there yet. As he had walked away from the all-too-familiar locker, a thought had stuck in his mind, _perhaps that day is closer than I once thought_.

* * *

Edd never did follow up on what happened between Kevin and Nazz, but when he caught sight of the two talking again - the blonde actually _laughing_ while she talked to Kevin, he was under the strong impression that Kevin had sorted things out with her.

Perhaps he was able to do one thing right.

Maybe he was capable of being good again.

* * *

"I am aware that all those months ago, you were attempting to help me."

"Hmph."

Marie sat under the bleachers, smoking a cigarette in a slow, drawn-out way. A few other kids littered the area, most of them also smokers. Edd stood in front of her, not wanting to get too close to the smell ever since trying to quite himself. He wasn't about to relapse.

"If you recall," he started again, patient and calm, "You had approached me a while back regarding my behaviour."

She blew our a purposeful cloud of smoke, staring up at him with a bored expression, "Yeah. What of it?"

"Well," He wafted the cloud away from his face with his hand, hoping not to inhale too much of the tobacco, "I realise that you were trying to help me then, although at the time I was not prepared to listen."

She snorted at that, "Figured as much."

"Yes." He agreed, "And I would like to... apologise for that." He took a slow breath in, "I appreciate that you were concerned for me, and I am sorry I was callous towards you. It was not deserved."

"...Right." She put out the last of her cigarette in the dirt beneath her and stood up, brushing dust off of her jeans in the process, "Thanks for the apology, I guess." She paused for a brief moment, "Is that really all you came to say?"

"I- yes, it is." He looked puzzled, "I am not expecting anything in return from you, if that is an assumption here. I simply wanted you to know that I regret my past behaviour, and am willing to do what is needed to make things right."

She tilted her head, unimpressed, "You do know you can't always just 'make things right', don’t you?"

He seemed a little taken back by her brashness, but responded all the same, "I am aware of this, yes." He took a tentative step back, "But this does not change the fact that an apology was warranted, and that I owed you that at the minimum." He contemplated the situation for a second, before adding, "I have to at least make an effort, before deciding it is useless to try."

She shrugged at that. "Maybe." She pulled a stick of gum out of her pocket and began to chew on it, eyeing Edd up and down as she did so. "I see you've abandoned your old edgy look." She commented apathetically.

This made Edd glance down at himself - the casual collared shirt and slacks that had replaced the more flashy attire he'd found himself in mere weeks before, "That would be... an accurate observation." The hint of a smile made its way onto his face at that.

"Cool." She shouldered past him, opting to head somewhere else since getting her fix, "Glad you didn't forget me." She added, nonchalant in her tone and the way she walked away - giving off an aura of contentment with herself which so many seemed to struggle with.

A proper grin found its way onto his face that time. He was definitely glad he’d remembered to speak to her.

* * *

He never did talk to Eddy again - not after the way the smaller teen had treated him throughout their childhood. However, the passing thought that Ed may be worth speaking to flitted through his mind from time to time, even after all the years that had gone by. Yet amidst the flurry of other commitments he’d developed - an extra push on his school work, finishing up his community service, planning his future and re-establishing who he once was and who he wished to become, the idea of talking to Ed again became a little lost to all the noise.

He was coming very close to being better and whole, and being well-enough to see if Kevin would want to reconnect. The depression that had taken ahold of him so ferociously had found its place numbed at the back of his mind - manageable and small, and almost nonexistent save for the small, rare moments where the overwhelming feeling of despair would flare up and try to take hold. However, he'd since learned how to discern that and find ways to cope that didn't involve the pain. Life was tolerable again, in a way he'd never felt possible through all the hurt that had been pulling him beneath the water.

Then there was the medication. After some sort of official diagnosis, he'd been given a prescription for a drug to keep OCD in check-- and wasn't it just convenient that taking a pill for OCD could become a routine - ? Not disruptive or horrible or obsessive, but constant and familiar and safe. It certainly helped to have two people who could watch over him - make sure he maintained healthy habits. He'd never realised the extent of his obsessiveness until it was so blatantly pointed out to him, and once they found a treatment that worked, he found it hard to imagine how he'd coped with the immense intensity of the thoughts and feelings that had existed beforehand.

He wasn't drowning anymore. He was close to where he wanted to be.

He wanted to try and reach out to Ed, but he had more wrongs to rectify before that moment could come. He wanted to be sure he was safe before delving into old, painful abandonments again.

* * *

Kevin was a week out from his seventeenth birthday when he walked downstairs to see Edd talking with his mother.

By that point, the two of them hadn’t spoken in months. Ever since the break up, Edd had cut off all contact with Kevin, taking his commitment to ‘better himself’ seriously - or at least, that’s what he was able to gather, considering the other boy managed to stay out of trouble from what he was able to tell. Kevin had worried at the start - _fuck_ had he worried, but he hadn’t been about to contact someone who clearly didn’t want to be bothered. Realistically, he had other stuff he could spend his energy on, and by that point he was able to admit that maybe he did have some stuff he needed to sort out of his own. That had been when he’d _finally_ agreed to see the damn counsellor, even if he hadn’t been as messed up as Edd.

Despite his scepticism about going, it had proved to be effective, or at the very least helpful. It was strange, surely, to have someone point out how flawed his coping mechanism of ‘exercising the pain away’ was - because that tactic only worked if he was angry for that moment, as opposed to in deep pain over unresolved trauma. That had been a difficult thing to admit too, but he had felt weirdly lighter when he’d come to accept that, and then suddenly he didn’t feel so stupid for needing the help.

Eventually he had told his parents everything. _Everything_ , even the tiny little detail of being bi and having dated a guy for months that he was _still_ in love with. He had never been sure how that conversation would have gone down, but in the end they were as supportive as he could have hoped for, and it made him feel just the tiniest bit regretful that he hadn’t tried relying on them earlier. It was a massive weight off of his shoulders, and gradually he felt what baggage remained become lighter and lighter, until it existed as a memory more than a trigger.

In the end, the distance had definitely to be for the best, because Kevin was a lot better and Edd was finally here; taller, healthier-- less unhealthily skinny and back to an attire somewhere between the ‘preppy’ look he’d been developing before everything had gone to shit and something more casual. He looked happy - a smile that actually reached all the way to his damn eyes, and he was talking to Kevin’s _mom_ for fuck’s sake.

“I- uhh, hey.” He announced his presence, and _fuck_ he was awkward but, his mother was smiling - not secretly hating the very existence of Edd and _was this even possible?_

“Greetings, Kevin.” Edd replied, and looked so happy - so genuinely happy, in a way he hadn’t been the last time they’d spoken, “I hope you have been well.”

“Y-yeah.” Kevin answered, scratching at his head awkwardly. He finally entered the living room, no longer lingering at the bottom of the stairwell unsteadily. “Yeah I have, and _shit_ you actually - actually look like you again.”

“Language, Kevin.”

It was all so damn warm and familiar that it almost hurt, because this hadn’t seemed possible all those months ago. It felt as if nothing had changed - as if all the bad things existed on another timeline, because there was no way this was their reality after all of that. He found himself laughing, starting to slip back into the way things used to be as well, “You really gonna be starting that shit again?”

“You heard the kid.” His mother interjected, voice teasing and eyes alight with humour. How had Edd even managed to convince her everything was different? Then again, he didn’t look like some edgy rebellious teenager anymore, so maybe it wasn’t so far-fetched to believe. His mother was all for second chances after all - especially when someone gave her a reason to believe they’d change. She’d stood up at that, straightening out her skirt before making her way to the kitchen. Just before she was out of sight, she paused, “And Kevin?”

This was all still very new for him, it was causing a whole sort of whirlwind of something in him he couldn’t quite place. “Yeah mom?”

“It really has been too long since you brought that Edd over. He always was a nice kid.” She left the room on that note, and the sincerity of her words stuck to him in a way like nothing else could. _She approved, then? In the same way she’d always approved of Nazz?_ The idea was comforting, to not have to pretend and to be allowed this again, if that’s what Edd’s presence in his home was an indication of. He sure hoped it was.

The living room felt too quiet without his mother, but Edd was still grinning and _fuck_ he never thought he’d see him again like this. “You uh,” He started, wondering how he was meant to word anything anymore, “grew out your hair again.” That felt pretty lame, but not as lame as the afterthought of _not as long, but still long_.

Edd had inspected the strands of his hair at the comment, “Why, yes, I have. Thank you for noticing.”

“Yeah, I…” Kevin walked a little closer, finding himself only halfway towards the couch. He was still so unsure about what any of this meant, but he figured the truth was always worth a shot, especially after everything that had happened, “It’s real good to see you.” He meant that, more than he’d ever had.

“I’m… quite relieved to hear that.” Edd removed himself from the couch, straightening his posture and staring intently at the teen in front of him, “I’m uncertain if you would recall the nature of our previous conversation all those months ago.” He appeared nervous, but managed to keep his tone level and precise, so completely different from the faux apathy he’d worn like a second skin every time following their last interaction.

Of course Kevin remembered. _How could he have forgotten their breakup - or at least the kiss that had followed_? It had been too significant of a day to even think about forgetting. “Yeah. I do.” His mouth felt dry, hands clammy. He was hoping for the best, but there was at least some chance Edd’s feelings had changed since then. It had been too long, and regardless of his words back then, it’d be stupid of Kevint to expect Edd to say he still felt the same in that moment.

Only, Edd seemed to be getting a little flustered, the same way he’d used to before the two of them had gotten together - back when Kevin had thought maybe he’d had a chance, but didn’t want to risk ruining the friendship. Back when he first fell in love. “Well,” Edd took a nervous breath, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “I had fully meant all that I had expressed to you back then, and…” His stare was fixed just passed Kevin’s face now, apparently too nervous to look at him as he continued, “I feel now that I could maintain a healthy relationship with you, if you still hold any sort of feelings towa-”

He was cut off by the full-force impact of a ferocious hug - the warm arms that used to hold him still so familiar and just as comforting as they’d always been. “Do you even have to fucking ask?” Kevin sounded so unbelievably thrilled, as if he’d just got told he’d won a million dollars - but maybe being able to hold the person he loved just as fiercely as ever was about as exciting as that. He managed to squeeze Edd even tighter against him, “Yes. The answer is yes, Double D.”

_He was back. He was fucking back._

Edd hugged him back just as strong.

_They could start again._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic. This was only proof-read by me so if there are any noticeable errors feel free to tell me
> 
> Let me know your thoughts if you want, comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


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